Life While Handcuffed to a Lawman...

Dear Officers On The Corner

2012-01-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Officers on the corner,

I write to commend you on your handling of the crazy man in front of the cafe last week. I was out running errands in town with my three young children when they excitedly noticed the two police cars with lights and sirens pulling up to the curb nearby. There was a man in handcuffs screaming about being unjustly cuffed. A nearby employee mentioned he's a regular. As in, regularly in cuffs. There were four officers handling the situation, and the man was screaming.

I was very impressed that none of the officers were yelling back at this obviously disturbed man. I was impressed that they weren't joking with each other, or casting sideways sneers his way. Thank you for handling this man, who many would consider the dregs of society, with respect and dignity. I know there is no reason you should except for the goodness of your heart. I also know most of that goodness is tested, banged, and tarnished every day by those whom you serve, and deign to tell you that they pay your salary.

Thank you.

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-12T05:32:00.001-07:00

I'm thankful for an awesome OB/GYN who listens to my baby's racing heartbeat (a perfect 140) and says "That is one of the best sounds in the world."

I'm thankful for good health insurance.

I'm thankful for little baby feet stomping on my bladder.

What are you thankful for this week?

Thankful... but I need some help

2012-01-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by Katie over at My Daily Bread Crumbs to get back into my habit of posting my Thankful Thursday musings. It was a good habit for me to be in, to actually practice mindful thankfulness and be willing to look for the good in my life regularly.

Anyway Thankful Thursday came and went this week. oops.

This week I was thankful for our car. It is comfy, it works, and I never worry about it. It's reliable and wonderful, and unfortunately too small to cart around four kids. We bought the smallest car seats we could find (Sunshine Kids, now officially Diono) so we could fit three across in the back seat. They fit. Barely. So I'll be happy to move up to a larger car (I guess?) but I sure will miss this car. I am so thankful it has been so good to us all these years.

I'm also thankful for my husband's job. But he's gone back to graveyards and I'm forgetting how to make it all work. Including myself going to bed at a regular, normal time. :) So I'm asking for help -- what are your tips and tricks for making graves work in your family?

Works For Me Wednesday -- Soap

2012-01-04T05:07:00.003-07:00

In light of my ever-hopeful-hope that we will move from our tiny place with an impending fourth child moving in, I've been trying to declutter and really use up things from my stockpile. One thing I have not used in a long, long time is bar soap. I was an original convert to shower gel and liquid handsoap (FREE of triclosan, thankyouverymuch). No bar soap for me!

However, one of the items in my stockpile that has grown is bar soap. I don't use it, so I wouldn't buy it, but wouldn't you know there is plenty of it in our closet!? It's come from gifts and gift sets, and I decided now was the time to use it all up. So the kids have been using it and it's going well. It's totally not as gross or icky as I had made it out to be in my mind. However, being the frugalista that I am, I want to know:

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE TINY LEFTOVER PIECES OF SOAP SLIVERS?

I have an answer for you. I tossed them in the bottom of one of the foaming handsoap pumps I'd saved for refills, added some water, and voila! It "works for me" -- not just on Wednesdays, but every day. And wouldn't you know, the kids prefer the bar soap over the foaming soap!?!?

What do you do with the leftover tiny slivers of bar soap?

Well Hello There, 2012!

2012-01-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year. I guess I have to say that, although considering I'm still stuck in November 2011 as evidenced by the fact that it has been about six weeks since I last posted.... well, I'm in a bit of a quandary as to how to welcome 2012.

We have had a glorious holiday season. DH had much of December off, and we spent more time than I can remember in recent memory laughing, giggling, and having a wonderful time. But all good things must come to an end. School and work start up again next week and already the stress and "police mentality" is creeping back in. While I'm so grateful for the wonderful, wonderful time we have had together, I'm also battling the "What if's..?" in hard-core style.

It doesn't help that we're starting the new year with a bang -- literally -- in the law enforcement community. I follow a variety of law enforcement related facebook pages, and after reading about the three deaths across the country on this first day of the year, I ran across this status update from Wives Behind The Badge: "We're following the story in Washington and will post the official notification when it is available. Sending prayers to all involved."

That made me so mad. Are you freaking kidding me? I'm so tired of "following the story" of the crazies in the world that think it's open season on our law enforcement officers. Mostly, I think it's that I don't want to be part of the next story y'all are following. So when DH comes home all angry and burned out and treating us like we are suspects on the verge of running and in need of incarceration, I'm very inclined to encourage him to go get that job at Starbucks. I sure would work less at not worrying. And maybe we would all be -- albeit poorer -- a lot happier.

That was my one last nerve!

2011-11-19T02:16:00.007-07:00

I don't care where you work -- if you're a cop, you automatically have a big fat target on the back of your uniform. You may work in a more "dangerous" area -- cities that people across the country may hear of and know about, and not for their beautiful beaches and friendly people -- or you may work in a neighboring jurisdiction that gets the overflow from one of those crappy towns. The longer my husband is in law enforcement, the more I learn that there are all kind of cops working for all kinds of agencies (ever seen a Postal Service Police Officer? I have!). And they all have their unique idiosyncrasies.

There has been major tension in our larger metro area lately, with lots of conflict between the cops and the illogical, left-leaning, narrow-minded citizens that see the uniform my husband wears and make all sorts of assumptions about him. And they don't even know him! Now, generally speaking, my husband's jurisdiction is rather benign. One of those places where you automatically think "Oh, that's not too bad," but at the same time they get the overflow from some of the more nasty towns around.

So, yeah, I feel pretty "safe" when my husband goes to work. (What a joke that is. But that's for another post.) He's gotten plenty of his shift buddies out of jams in his years on, been crashed by a drunk driver... but really? It's not that bad.

So imagine my surprise when I was driving home with the kids in the car recently and I heard the breaking news that there had been a shooting right in the middle of DH's jurisdiction. When he was on duty. In the middle of his shift. In the middle of his jurisdiction. Did I mention he was working right then?

Like I recently said on Twitter, my insides died a little while I heard that tiny snippet. I knew not to call him. If he had been the shooter, or on the call during the shooting, or been shot, he's wasn't going to answer the phone. If he was providing support to the whole situation (highly likely, eh?), he wasn't going to answer the phone. So I just had to breathe... and know that whatever had happened had already happened. And I would know if I needed to know and when I needed to know. I called my brother and had him comb the internet for details -- just find out who got shot, was it a good guy or a bad guy? I hung up and called home to check the messages remotely. No messages. Ok, I think that's a good sign. I think.

It turned out to be a good sign. About 90 minutes later DH called and my insides collapsed in relief. Yes, he was still on duty. No, he wasn't on the call. No, he wouldn't be coming home on time. Yes, I would need to scramble for a babysitter. That "late home" and "not available for you" part sucked. But I didn't even care when I knew he wasn't involved in the incident.

I'm having a hard time synthesizing my feelings about the whole thing. The multiple incidents piling up -- a fight here, a shooting there, crazy morons here, obscenities and profanity... all in one week? I can take it spread out but shift after shift after shift, working 12 hours on with three days off spread over 14 days?

If I'm having trouble, how are these officers doing it?

DH had a glorious day off yesterday and now he is back in the trenches. I'm sorting through my feelings, and definitely not discussing with my non-LEO friends because they cannot wrap their mind around it. Oh, and potty training. And cleaning up barf. That's what we are doing today. What's on your schedule today?

I do it all. Except....

2011-10-29T07:47:00.001-06:00

I pride myself on being able to sit down and take it. Not in a "do you know it is domestic violence awareness month" kind of way, but more of the "just do it" way. I schlep uniforms to the cleaners. I speed-racer ironed academy uniforms (then said "no more!"). I pack lunches at dinner and make breakfast for lunch. I have my weekend on Wednesday and Thursday and celebrate Christmas on any day in December that starts with a twenty-something. Heck, I celebrated Thanksgiving for several years straight at the police station!

If you are a LEO family this is no big news to you. And none of us (usually) are complaining, it is just a reminder of what our normal is. It is one heck of a different kind of normal than most other people I know.

That is why I was knocked on my butt this week when I realized there is something I just won't do when it comes to the police wife life, because as I have just explained, I do it all.

bulletblocker.com

My husband brought home his body armor for a good cleaning. Some wear them over their shirts, some under, but if you have half a brain you wear your freaking vest on duty. This is the one piece of equipment that kind of creeps me out. It's this ugly, smelly, nondescript thing that could very well save my husband's life at the very best or at the very worst make a horrible injury much less severe. I'm happy he is bringing it home for cleaning, but it sure does give me the creeps. Oh, did I already say that? Well, it does. He's scrubbing it and cleaning it like it's a pair of boots he's sloshed through a homeless encampment in and all I can think of is "Please don't die, please don't die, please don't die."

Which is totally *NOT* like me. People ask me stupid questions like this All. The. Time. "Don't you worry?" "What would happen if...?" From some people I know it is sincere and they are truly concerned. But other people who are asking me stuff; it almost feels like they have no right to ask, well... don't get me started.

I was doing ok ignoring the whole thing and keeping it together until I saw this little tiny rectangular piece laying on our bed (because really, where else would you clean this stuff?!). A little bigger than a 4x6 index card, I think. (I'm not sure, I didn't look too long.) The Trauma Pac. Now, this picture over to the right is just a representative photo I found on a message board on the great world wide web. But I can tell you that if that tiny little rectangle with the nice "Trauma Pac" description and "second chance" were sitting there on my bed WITH AN OUTLINE OF A HEART like this one has, I would have been through the roof. I almost had to pick it up and put it under the bed or in my husband's sock drawer because I had such a strong reaction to it.

But I'm tough. I do it all. I'm a police wife. So I kept my freaking-out-ness to myself and just in passing mentioned it to my mom the next time we were chatting. It felt good to have it off my chest and I could move on. I can't tell you how ecstatic I was to have that thing all put together and back in my husband's locker... yes, doing the job it was intended to do, keeping him safe(r) and sweaty on the streets.

Is there something about the job that is like nails on a chalkboard to you? This one is certainly mine!

It's such a funny place

2011-10-15T15:12:00.000-06:00

I've been a bit emotional lately (more on that in a minute) and really been mourning the loss of that good friendship. Ok, mourning isn't the right word, but maybe "recognizing" the loss. The difficult part is, our children attend many classes together (remember, we homeschool?) and so I have to see their family on a regular basis. Makes the absence a little more.... obvious.

This week I found out that this former friend is pregnant. And guess what? [drumroll please....] I am too! So it's making me even more nostalgic about how fun it could be to be pregnant together, and recognizing that it's just not going to be like that. It's ok. It's a stage. But I can still "miss" it. And be emotional. ha.

So if you want to be my pregnant buddy, I'm totally looking for new applicants. JUST KIDDING. Yes, for those of you counting, this will be our #4, and this is the first time I'm really wishing I had that pregnant buddy along for the ride with me. It's just that every pregnancy is less and less glamorous (if you have had more than one, you KNOW what I am talking about) and I'd love to share it with a good friend.

Happy Saturday, strange world!

update

2011-09-12T16:44:00.000-06:00

I said goodbye to the teeny-tiny church and unfortunately, had to also say goodbye to the main friendship I had there. I did the best I could to say goodbye, but things are never as they seem. Evidently I'm a demanding, perfectionistic friend who will only be friends with you if you are perfect. Yeah, I got the line "All we've ever tried to do is make you feel welcome and cared for...." Thinking back on the conversation, I laugh. She's the tall, skinny, beautiful mom who regularly cleans her house and cooks delicious meals for her family and her house is always all neat and picked up. As a squishy mom [ahem] with piles of crap everywhere at home (including more dustbunnies than one could ever want), and a favorite meal of chicken nuggets and potstickers (organic, but does that even count?!?) I find it hard to believe that I will only be your friend if you are perfect. Then again, you feel how you feel.

Talking through the conversation with my mom, I thought of all these things I wanted to say.... and she gently helped me see that defending myself to them isn't going to help. So for now I'm mourning the loss of what I thought -- quite mistakenly -- was a deep, wonderful friendship and wondering how not to get myself in this predicament again. sigh.

It's always something, isn't it?

realization: church

2011-08-14T18:10:00.000-06:00

The best piece of advice I received a few years back was from the wife of a sergeant nearing retirement (in fact, he's now retired). She told me [paraphrased], "You can't do everything. You have to give yourself permission to smile and say 'no.' Most people will not understand what it's like to have a husband in law enforcement and what that does to you and your family. You build your own hedges around yourself and your family and to heck with everyone else." Actually she was probably even more mild than that (that's who she is) but it really stuck with me.

It sounds lame, even now, as I've written it here. Of course! Set your own boundaries. Be good to your family. But I feel that in law enforcement our boundaries can be so different from everyone else's -- and for reasons which are more or less incomprehensible to those around us.

http://www.cumberlandchurch.com/

I'm still in the mode where I feel like I do everything by myself -- not just social events, but the entire life of our family. I won't list everything out because it will be bad for my psyche, but one thing I've really been struggling with lately is church. No, I'm not going to get all religious on you, just work with me here and know that we go to church -- more often than not -- on Sunday mornings.

When I say "we" I mean myself and the kids; husband is either working or sleeping on Sunday mornings. We've been going to this nearby teeny tiny church started by our friends but it's such an effort. There's nothing restorative or regenerative or inspirational about Sunday morning for me with three kids in tow there. It's a chore, and certainly not a joy, to participate in Sunday morning. For the last two Sundays, however, we've visited a church I attended years and years ago when I was very single and very childless. It's grown and changed in all these years, but some of the same dear people are there, as well as some "new" dear people our family knows now, too.

The guilt is, I've enjoyed being there these last two weeks. It's all the things I haven't had at the teeny tiny church. But it's 20 minutes away as opposed to 10 minutes. I'll be leaving behind friends who I'm sure will be crushed at the teeny-tiny church. And I can't decide if I'm being selfish to just "church-jump" this way or if my family really will benefit from being at this other church more permanently. The clincher for me is that my husband might actually -- gasp -- go to church with us at this new place. That would seal the deal for me if we could all worship together.

I'm dialing this in to the "married single mom police wife life." If I wasn't as dry as the Sahara Desert I wouldn't be craving a sort of restorative Sunday morning like I am. But, here I am. It's how we roll at HHPD these days. And as a LEO wife, I'm not expecting anyone else to understand, or agree, but I think I'll be jumping ship to this new church shortly. And I'm sad. Again.

Here she comes, there she goesI

2011-08-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

It's been a bad summer. Today the minutes ticked by past the "witching hour" ~ the moments when I had expected DH home, then hoped he would be home, then started checking every car that drove by to see if it was someone delivering bad news. About half an hour later, the phone rang and the first thing my husband said was, "We're OK," [and you always know this comes before the "but"] "but I'm going to be late."

So, so, so grateful today. Trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. I'll be happy when this summer is over.

Department Politics

2011-06-21T17:37:00.000-06:00

I know it's a brotherhood. I know I should be grateful that anybody covers my husband's butt on any kind of call so that said butt can come home every night from work. (Although there are a few out that who would actually make the call worse... but I digress.)

In the midst of all this "brotherhood" there are politics. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that there is bickering. I have three kids. In fact, I spent a bunch of time today mediating all that "bologna" with said three kids. So I know how it is.

But adults? ADULTS? Seriously!?!? My husband does the best job he can, every day he goes to work. He's been injured ON THE JOB and kept working while getting treatment. He busts his butt to actually -- get this!?!? -- do his job the right way.

To be fair, I love my husband dearly, but he does have his faults, too. I especially can't stand how black-and-white everything is for him. It is absolutely right or absolutely wrong. Yet, he can also be the most forgiving cop there is, taking the stance that showing someone mercy may have a much bigger impact in changing their behavior than a measly citation. He's a conundrum, that one.

So when I know all this about him, about how he works so diligently and hurts so much.... when a superior starts spreading rumors about him, you'll see why I'm a little peeved.

In the real world, my husband would calmly, and politely, call them on the carpet. He would nicely say "I hear you told your whole team I'm a lazy tard. Can you clarify for me the problem you see with my work, so that I can improve?" But of course, dear sweet husband can't do that. Because then the "rat" (who told my husband about the rumor-mill-maker) will be outed and my husband cherishes his brotherhood. He is so grateful for the "rat" who told him he's being falsely accused of x-y-z *behind his back* and now he knows he must watch out for said back.

I'm just livid.

How do you handle department politics? Because I'm sure not doing a great job of handling them right now.

Treats for your Sweet

2011-06-20T10:10:00.000-06:00

Ok.... Now I know I feel 100,000 times better when I don't eat junk, but with stuff out there like this.... who can resist? Make your own chocolate candy from molds (right) or just order the badge pre-made as a blue lollipop to hand out to your adoring fans. Either way, you'll be "popular" (cue music from "WICKED" which I love).

It's summer! Go out, have fun! We are. :)

Spring Thaw

2011-05-26T08:06:00.000-06:00

Life is swirling at an unbelievable rate these days, and I cannot keep up.

I thought that with this shift rotation everything would be "great." Husband is working a modified day schedule (starting in the late morning) and I thought it was close enough to the type of schedule that "regular" people work that it would be great for our family. In a way, it has been great. But there are other things, like interpersonal stuff, in our marriage that I thought would be helped by this schedule too.

Is it no surprise they aren't?

People say that with kids, it's not about (fancy) "quality" time but quantity. I guess I thought our marriage would benefit from time together at the "right" time of day (i.e. when I am awake and husband is home and not working). :) I don't think it's worked out like that. It's almost been worse, like there is the expectation that it would be better but it's not so therefore it's worse. So maybe it's no surprise that I haven't posted for over a month. School and life has been kicking my butt and I've been so discouraged. (And I've gotten addicted to Words With Friends. Oops)

So now, of course, I'm posting because I have good news. Because I cannot stand to be the bearer of bad news, Debbie Downer. We're on vacation! Forever! Just kidding. It's not forever but it feels like it. :) I'm realizing that I do actually like this person I married (just in case I had forgotten.... which I somewhat had, let's be honest) and I don't remember laughing as much as we have been. Along with lots of other things, that's the thing that will stand out the most about this spring thaw: the laughing.

I've said it for a while and this vacation is proving it. We don't have any big plans to go anywhere, and I think that's good. Everyone needs to chill out and "thaw" once in a while and for those in law enforcement it's even more important. I'm thankful, so very thankful, for this thaw and praying for some great progress in so many areas of our marriage and family.

How about you? How do you thaw out from life on a regular basis?

Job Description

2011-04-21T23:57:00.002-06:00

Remember back in February how I wrote about my husband's new job description? I recently read an article where an officer was fired for a Facebook status he posted (big surprise) that said something to the effect of "going to take out the garbage at work tonight."

Guess if I want my husband to keep his job I'd better lay off the "My husband's a garbage collector" line. :(

Fundraiser For Brian Stow

2011-04-14T19:53:00.001-06:00

If you follow much of the EMS world, you may have heard of the SF Giants fan who was beaten in the parking lot on opening day at Dodger stadium. He is a paramedic in the San Francisco Bay Area (near The Happy Medic's stomping grounds) and a father of two young kids. There has been a huge outpouring of financial support from all sorts of places, including SF Giant's pitcher Tim Lincecum today announcing he is donating $25,000. You can read about them all on the Support4Stow blog.

I was excited to see a fundraiser that speaks my language: jewelry. Stella & Dot Jewelry, to be specific. Go to the Support4Stow blog to see all the ways you can donate, or head straight to Stella & Dot for 100% of the commission on your purchase to be donated to Mr. Stow's family.

I've Seen Better Days...

2011-03-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

While I cannot rival Mrs. Fuzz's recent bout with kidney stones and craziness, this last week has not been the best. I suppose I could write my list and say "this went wrong" or "that was bad" but it would mostly be whining and complaining and, well... pointless.

It's been a week that cannot be categorized. Between lack of sleep, illnesses, worries, conflict, and weather that has sprung from spring to winter, and autumn and summer in between, well, who can categorize it!?!? So while trudging through life with the weight of too many things on my heart, I've come away with two helpful thoughts. Not totally original ones, but they are getting me through the days. Of course, with three small people in tow at all times, the most basic saving grace is: "The days are long but the years are short."

I find it easier to live until bedtime when I realize that I most absolutely must live in this moment. I will never have this moment back again. I had a friend in college who listed the number of seconds on the back of her front door with a catchy phrase that you will never have another one of those seconds back -- ever -- and to make every one of them count today. It's the same idea. I may be wishing for sun while it storms outside. I'll get my sun. Not today, perhaps, but it will come. And when it does come, I will wish for rain because the water bill is too high. Instead, I choose to cherish this very moment because it will never come back to me and I want to remember it most sweetly.

As I lay on the floor of my children's room last night, willing the snuffling baby to sleep by shear force of my will, my daughter reached out with her tiny hand to stroke my cheek and search for my hand. She would shift a bit and then rearrange herself so that she could still reach a few of my fingers and hold on to them. I always race out of their room as quickly as possible after lights out so I can throw myself on my bed, count the many hours since I awoke and the seemingly-too-few until I must wake again tomorrow. But last night I didn't. I cherished their tiny room, crammed with my desk and their clothes and my grandpa's law enforcement cast offs from the 1950s. That moment will never come back, and some day my daughter may not reach for my hand like that.

But I was there, for that moment, and I will never wish to go back and "re-do" it because I screwed it up so badly. Other moments, yes. Last night? Not a chance.

What's on the menu?

2011-03-16T20:42:00.003-06:00

Thanks to the crockpot (and Stephanie O'Dea), we had "Easy Taco Night" last night. I was so grateful that our house didn't burn down while the crockpot was on and I was out in the afternoon. We didn't finish it all, so tonight? Easy Burrito Night. LOL. The kids were entranced, and really they were just eating the same thing, but inside soft flour tortillas instead of crispy corn tortillas.

Next on the menu is Chicken and Rice Soup (the "gluten free" version of chicken noodle soup, says Ms. O'Dea).

I've asked before, but it's been a while so I'll ask again: What's your easy, go-to meal you are in love with right now?

Hot Times In The Town Tonight

2011-03-04T04:00:00.003-07:00

How do you find out what's happening while your LEO is on shift? Over time I've read enough of y'all's blogs to know that sometimes our well-meaning LEO will quickly text and say "going to the hospital, be home late" and then ....... nothing........ for far too long, leaving you concerned that he's in the hospital with who-knows-what wrong and who-knows-what-will-happen while he's there. Maybe he's taking a suspect, or it's for someone else..... My point is, when something's going down, sometimes you find out from your LEO, you watch the news, or (my new favorite) twitter.

Some time ago there was a big protest during one of DH's shifts, and I was combing twitter for updates. It was nice to know what was going on. I figured out the hashtag the protesters were using and got lots of lovely updates. The news had some info, and of course, DH was completely out of touch so I heard details from him after the fact. I really appreciated knowing what was going on via twitter -- from the protester's side of things. Kinda humorous that I was keeping tabs on DH via the "enemy".

So, when your LEO is long overdue home for some high-profile reason, what do you do? Do you bury your head in the sand and wait for the details until he gets home so you don't worry yourself into an ulcer? Do you flip through every news channel to get the news from every outlet possible? Do you comb twitter, facebook, or your town's gossip blogs?

New Shift Review ~ Mids

2011-03-02T04:18:00.002-07:00

It's been a few months now that my husband has been on mids. It's OK. It's the closest to days I'll ever get (which are of course my most favorite and his least favorite) so I'm happy to have a chance to test them out.

He still gets up after us (our day feels half over sometimes, especially when I've been up since 3 AM but that's another post in itself), and he is gone for most of the day while the kids are awake. The nice thing is that it feels like a more flexible shift. Since he is overlapping for most of his shift, he can sometimes sneak out a little early if he has extra time to burn (which he often does, since he mostly takes his OT as time off, not pay) and be home for a late dinner or family movie night.

Probably my number one, favorite thing about this shift? On his days off, he is not a werewolf and he actually gets up at a reasonable time, and goes to bed around the same time we do!! I love it!! Thank you, so much, husband, for gifting me with this shift this time around. After six years of every schedule imaginable (except for five or six months on your dreaded day shift!) I really appreciate you coming back to a daytime schedule. :) thanks :)

"Get into the groove...."

2011-02-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

"...boy, you've got to prove...."

Just kidding. Yes, I'm a child of the 80's, and if you have no idea what I'm talking, er, singing about just, uh, carry on.

But getting into a "groove" is definitely a way to keep your sanity, wouldn't ya say? I'll be the first to say that I think getting into a rhythm in life is hard enough on it's own with kids, a job, A LIFE THAT NEVER QUITS, you know.... the basics. But a LEO family? Sheesh.

Someone recently asked me on Twitter if I scheduled my days. I gave a flip "It depends on the day" ~ which was totally the truth but somewhat a cop out. What I eventually came to share was that I have a plan; a general plan, not a minute-by-minute plan or even a hour-by-hour plan of how to structure most of my days. Of course there are certain days we have obligations and must be out the door at a certain time -- those are non-negotiables, obviously. I'm even less structured than I would like to be, but that's because I'm a perfectionist. Does anyone else see the irony in that statement?!?! I'm a perfectionist, so the less I plan the better I am about going with the flow and accepting whatever comes my way. And with a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants husband with an equally unpredictable job, it's really helping me manage my expectations about accomplishments in our daily lives.

In truth, I'm not even as scheduled as Monday/laundry day; Tuesday/Bathroom cleaning day, although I'd probably be better off if I was. However, the things I do to keep our rhythm on a daily basis are:

Have everyone's clothes laid out the night before, even for the baby and me. Since I am always up before my husband, this is an easy way to avoid the certain groaning from him as I open and close drawers looking for that always-lost sock.
No one eats breakfast if they aren't dressed. While this is not a hard-and-fast rule every single day, on days when we have places to go/people to see/things to do, it sure gets everyone dressed and ready in a hurry. Socks have to be on and shoes are by the door for easy access when it comes down to the last minute rush to get out the door.
I check our calendar the night before to make sure that everything we need is ready to go. This includes programming my phone with the phone numbers of people with whom I have appointments the next day. That way if I'm running late, or they don't show up, I have a way to contact them and rearrange our appointment.
Everyone packs their bags the night before. The kids' things are ready to go, I'm ready, and it really cuts down on the morning stress.
Speaking of the night before? I make sure I have a plan for all the meals the next day. I'm in NO way a menu planner of the caliber of Mrs. Fuzz, but if I know the night before what's happening the next day for meals, I can chop any veggies and prep as much as possible the night before, or add to my to-do list to pick up that one essential ingredient I'm inevitably missing before 5pm rolls around the next day.
This one is the worst. I'm just warning you now: I do my very very best to get up and dressed before I hear the first tentative "Mama" calling from the kids' room. On many days, it really really.... well, it sucks. But when I have time to get ready in peace and start my day on my terms, it cuts down on the yelling (what? ME? yell?) and frustration I inevitably feel at some point in the morning. The other thing that's nice in our house is that the kids are not allowed to get up and out of bed without permission.

That's just to make sure our days go smoothly and cut down on stress when things (always) come up at the last minute. The thing that really got me going on this post, however, was thinking about how the rhythm of our days and week has been pretty hard to mesh with my cop husband's.

We get up early.
He doesn't.
We have a weekend, like the rest of the world. Well, the same days as the rest of the world.
He doesn't.
We eat breakfast in the morning.
He doesn't.
Afternoons are for naps.
His afternoons are the prime of his day.

You know, all those basic things. It's been a continual, conscious effort to readjust my weekly rhythm to fit with my husbands'. We don't necessarily use Saturday as a free-for-all weekend day -- It might be Monday, Sunday, or Thursday.

What tips, tricks, and downright skulldudgery do you use to keep your family in sync with your significant other? Please share. I'm trying to avoid the bitter side of life so help me out, people!

In Case Of...

2011-02-23T05:00:00.002-07:00

Did anyone watch The Bachelor this week? If you haven't, SPOILER ALERT. It's been a few days so I don't think I'll spoil anything for those who actually care by telling you that Brad (the bachelor) went to visit his four remaining ladies at their hometowns. One of the Chantals is from Chico, California, and she helps run the family funeral home. Her hometown date with Brad started off in the funeral home. Talk about a romance killer.

At one point, Brad admitted that he is really uncomfortable with death, and never likes to say goodbye to anyone... well, can I hammer it home any more, dear readers? Death is certain. Life is UNcertain! sheesh. No big surprise that after Chantal had him lay on one of the embalming tables and showed him all her embalming tools, she did not get a rose at the rose ceremony. No big surprise, none at all... Serious romance killer.

But when you're a law family, death is a little more... acceptable? Accepted? Talked about? I don't know, maybe it's not, but it should be. At one time I had a list of all the things that should be in my husband's End Of Watch (EOW) folder. Who to call, what he wants, what to do, important papers, all that jazz. Really, if you are breathing (which you are, if you are reading this) you should have a folder like this, LEO or not.

So in that vein, I thought I'd share with you a recent post on Unclutterer: In Case of Death... There are some very basic suggestions as to what you should have all in a centralized location (in your "love drawer" or "legacy drawer" as referenced to Dave Ramsey). There are also a lot of good tips in the comments section, so read that too.

Have you done this yet? Do you think you will (no matter if you "should")? Some people just "can't" or "won't" do it. What LEO specific items would you suggest adding to that folder?

Heartbroken

2011-02-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

I'm heartbroken that no one has shared any of their family traditions! On the heels of all that jewelry talk (that so many of you had so much to say about!), I figured for sure a few of you would chime in. But that's OK, I'll live.

Seriously, that's not the reason I'm heartbroken, though. I'm about to dive in to some really sad stuff and I had to start off with a little bit of levity.

It's no surprise that our husbands see the lowest of the low on a regular basis. That's part of the job description. I realize that I hear very little of what my husband processes every week on the job. I used to lap up every tidbit of information he would share after shift, but as time has passed.... I don't get as much info anymore. There are plenty of reasons for that. It's more "normal" now. It's second nature. "Everything" is not new and exciting and crazy and I don't desperately wonder about every moment he is on shift any more, and he has even less of a need to share it now. I can count on him sharing the highlights, but other than that, I know there is lots of stuff that just goes by. And I'm OK with that.

So when my husband walks in the door after shift and starts spewing words of the venomous kind before he even has his shoes off, I immediately know it's been a bad day.

That happened recently, and it was heartbreaking.

I'm really proud of my husband, in that he thinks like a "bad guy" all the time, even more than most other cops we know. He drives me nuts sometimes. He's always thinking tactically -- the best way to approach on a car stop if he wants to give the bad guy the easiest way to kill him (and he promptly does the opposite); why you should or shouldn't enter a building this way or that way... honestly I can't even think of all the things to list here because I've heard them so many times, I just kind of let it go in one ear and out the other. Lots -- but not all -- cops do this, too; but they all should.

So when he came home and was sharing heartbreak after heartbreak, it really got to me. I wouldn't say "mistake" ~ because I am 100% against doing the whole "Monday Morning Quarterback" routine on any well-trained individual who has a fraction of a millisecond to decide if he should do x, y, or z before killing someone or getting killed himself. In every situation there are plenty of other, better options you can think of after-the-fact. It doesn't matter. It was all heartbreaking. Every few minutes he would pause and say "Hm, I probably can't tell you that..."

There's no one in my life that would understand all the things he told me. And besides, with all those caveats he kept throwing in I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't say to anyone I would talk to. So I'm telling you. I'm heartbroken.

Hug your special people tighter. Send your special one off to work with extra love. And support them when they spew their venom. How else can you help them see the best of life, when all they regularly see is the worst?

Photo credit JerryFergusonPhotography on Flickr

Priorities

2011-02-18T07:02:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we had a rare treat, where all the stars aligned and our entire family sat down to dinner together. Shocking, I know. This is clearly a multi-dimensional event: the kitchen table (also known as the school room, the craft center, and the kitchen prep area) was cleaned off so that everyone had a place to sit; I actually cooked a meal that everyone would eat; and the husband got home early enough so that we could all eat together. yay!!

People the world over say that eating dinner together as a family five times a week or more is revolutionary. Without citing actual statistics (I'm too lazy for that!), I've heard that this phenomenon combats childhood obesity, prevents teen drug use, and reduces the incidence of divorce. Who knows if it is true, but if you think about it.... It kinda makes sense. You have an intentional connection with a group of people and you carve out time for them during the meal. It makes sense to me that there are going to be other effects outside of the now-I'm-not-hungry-because-I-ate-dinner effect.

My husband and I differ in our views of the purpose of a family meal. He believes meals are for eating. Period. Too much talking is bad. Just sit down and eat your food. It's a family culture thing. I recall the first time I sat down to a meal with my husband's family, and it felt soooo awkward. Everyone was eating. No one was talking. It was incredibly quiet compared to meals with my family. Sure, at my house growing up we would gobble up plenty of food.... but there was always plenty of talking, too.

One of the very best touchpoints that I've added to our family tapestry is the daily "Highlights and Lowlights". It's an easy way for each person to share about their day, picking their one highlight and one lowlight. It gives us something to talk about, and amazingly enough, is tolerated by my husband as acceptable "conversation" during a meal. Obviously, as a law enforcement family, it's not always at dinner time ~ sometimes it's bedtime or even breakfast ~ but each person gets a chance to share their piece, whenever it is. It's been interesting to watch the highlights and lowlights change over time as the kids grow. It took a long time for our now-4-year-old to figure out the difference between high ("good") and low ("bad"), and sometimes they don't even remember what we did during the day and they have to be reminded. :) It's been a great tool to discover what's important to our children; things that I could have cared less about are almost always one of their highlights. It gives permission to each child to speak his mind, and be the center of the family table for a few minutes. There are lots of positives about this ritual in our familiy.

I've heard this regularly recently, and it's so applicable to me as a mom-in-the-trenches of early childhood with three children: "The days are long but the years are short." So true. I get bogged down in making breakfast, washing dishes, and wiping butts and noses over and over again every day. I treasure the opportunity to reflect, celebrate, and learn from my kids with our regular sharing of "Highlights and Lowlights."

What kind of rituals have you woven into your family tapestry? I'd love to add more to our family, so please share!

Image courtesy of Rubink1 on flickr.

To Ring or Not To Ring?

2011-02-16T16:12:00.001-07:00

I remember those first few days of my new, sparkly diamond engagement ring shimmering on my finger. It was an outward symbol of the inner feelings I had; I loved someone, and someone loved me, and I had great hope and excitement about our future. In reality, I didn't need that ring to accompany that burning question (the one that came right after the comment about the "nerdy girl" he met so many years ago) but it was a special symbol that I still treasure.

Then, there was the question of a wedding band. Did I really need one? I had a sparkly thing on my finger already. Why did I need TWO rings instead of one? [For the record, I did end up with one ~ a plain band studded with my beloved's birthstone. Love!!]

It may be just a "girl thang" but I definitely feel different when I have that ring on. Even if it's just the plain band, I love glimpsing that ring on my finger and thinking about all the conversations that got us there; the huge fight we got into (and he still gave me my wedding band); the day he proposed and what a shock it was... all of these things are wrapped up in this little piece of jewelry.

So when I don't wear it, I feel "less" married. I don't know how you can feel "less" in that way but I sure do. Now, back in the day I bought my husband a wedding band, which he wore for a while. But he stopped wearing it somewhere along the road. I even bought him a "cheap" replacement because he said he wanted something different/different size/other wife (ha ha just kidding). But he still doesn't wear it. I guess there are lots of reasons; it's more comfy without it, it doesn't get banged up, and it leaves some mystery as to whether my man has a wife and kids at home. Good for the thugs trying to "come after us" in retaliation, bad for the 20-year-old badge bunnies that always seem to be creeping around.

So, I'm curious.... you first responder types out there.... do you wear a ring on shift? Does your S.O. wear one on shift? Why or why not?

Image courtesy of Fensterbme on Flickr

In the interest of full disclosure, I was not wearing any jewelry at the time of this post!

End of Watch (the non-LEO type)

2011-02-07T16:47:00.001-07:00

She was the heartbeat of her family, and a gracious gift to any community in which she found herself. She hosted a baby shower at her home, in the room she and her husband had built for "company." They had carefully chosen easy-to-clean floors, pleasant lighting, and durable (yet attractive) surfaces so they could host many others in their home as a gift to those around them.

She was so much, to so many, although many would have called her odd. She ate differently (no sugar? no dairy? eww) than most. She spoke differently than many. And she definitely dressed as though she were from a different era. But she was clothed in a radiance from her heart and life that spoke volumes about her priorities, her loves, and what really, truly mattered in life.

It's been a while since I last spoke with her. I always found it difficult to chat with her because she tenderly poked me in the places it hurt most; in my failing relationships, my bitterness, and my anger. But she was tender. And gracious. And those "hurts" didn't painfully scab up when she poked them. They bled a little, but they healed with her tender poking and prodding. Her honesty! oh, what painful, beautiful honesty she always brought!

This is a true story, and as you notice, it's written in the past tense. I received an email today informing us that this dear woman has passed away and is in the company of God and angels at this very moment. For that, I am grateful. For knowing her, for being poked and prodded and served by her, I am grateful. I am sad for her family, for the marching on they will do. Her children are around the age I was when my dad passed away, and I ache for them.

She wasn't a LEO, or a LEO wife, but it was a slap in the face for me to remember.... Is my life in order? Would anyone say anything half as nice about me when I pass away? I have a choice every day. Do I make the best of my choices? I may be wishing for "tomorrow" or "another" day, but today is the day I have. Do I make the most of it? Are my "end of watch" papers in order? Are my husband's? It's not morbid, it's reality. I believe I've said it here before, but I'll say it again. Many of us live as though death is uncertain, when in fact, it's LIFE that is uncertain and DEATH is certain. The day may be unknown, but it's coming. I want to do all I can while I am able. I hope you do too.

Rest in peace, sweet, sweet child of God.

New Job Title

2011-02-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

Recently I was talking to a neighbor who knows enough about us to know that my husband is around when he "shouldn't" be and gone when he "shouldn't" be. In the course of the conversation he asked "So, is your husband a student?" to which I listlessly replied "No....."

[and now which lie do I go with? The "garbage collector" lie? This is a good one because usually no one knows what to say to that and the conversation dies immediately. Or the "public employee" line? That's a bad one, people say "What department does he work for? Does he know [my long lost cousin/best friend/mother-in-law]?" Or should I go with the "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" line? sigh...]

I settled for "No.... He's not a student. He's just a loser."

I sure hope my husband never finds out that I said that, but gee..... It sure stopped the conversation in it's tracks. lol.

One week update

2011-01-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's been a week of gluten-free and sugar-free excitement for me. I'm hooked. Seriously, I'm hooked.

I figured I had done my duty so last night for dinner we had chinese take out. I was careful to avoid the breaded stuff ~ and I even skipped the rice (which is not gluten but still?!?! I don't know) ~ but today I felt like CRAP. And I was back to needing my afternoon nap.

I really don't think it was coincidence, so I'm getting back on the wagon. Ugh. Life seems boring but I can't give up, knowing how much more amazing I feel going sugar- and gluten-free.

Day 4

2011-01-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've successfully navigated the first three days of eating refined sugar- and gluten-free. I feel great. Yesterday was the first day in I-don't-know-when that I didn't hit a huge afternoon wall and want to curl up in my bed during kiddie naptime. I still wanted to curl up in my bed to just take a break, but I didn't feel like I could sleep for three hours. Maybe just 20 minutes. :)

I visited a new-to-me bakery on Monday and I almost caved when I saw their Red Velvet Cupcakes. But I didn't. I've been super frustrated several times over the last few days and wanted to dive into the first box of cookies, crackers, and cereal I could find. But I restrained myself. My secret weapon has been the delicious citrus that is all over the place right now. Tangerines, tangelos, blood oranges, navel oranges..... yum! They are super sweet and delicious. We are all devouring them like crazy!

I've been feeling more "hungry" and had to be a lot more mindful of what's going in my mouth. Both huge pluses. The key is that I've been much better prepared. My goal is to eat mostly fruits, veggies, and protein (meat!). We love meat at our house -- my husband's favorite food group. (I am less in love.) So I've been spending time the night before chopping, dicing, tearing, and measuring so that it's a billion times easier to eat nourishing food in a snap during the day.

Of course all this evening chopping-dicing-tearing is only possible because my husband got shifted to start work at oh-dark-thirty in the morning this week... which he hates, but I love because he's home in the evenings for dinner and then I can prep in the kitchen with him keeping an eye on any pre-World War III battles elsewhere in the house.

Whew. I knew I could do it, and I knew it would take a while to get in the groove, but I'm really enjoying the benefits. And I'm only on day 4. My next step is to up my water intake. I've gotten lazy about it because using the bathroom All. The. Time. is a big pain. But I will survive.

We interrupt this program...

2011-01-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

I'll be taking a break from the mundane police wife posts for a while. I know what you're thinking: "Hasn't she been taking a break from all posting, period??" Well yes. But this one's different. Starting Monday, I'm going sugar-free with The Nourishing Gourmet. I've read her site for some time, and love that she makes (and shares recipes for!) delicious, nourishing food.

I know that I have not been operating on all my cylinders for a while, and I also know it's in part because of the crappy food I have been putting in my body. Not to say it doesn't taste good! Man, those creme fraiche mashed potatoes were sure delicious on Christmas Day. So was the cinnamon roll french toast my brother made. But seriously..... Seriously!?!?! I have to bring my A+++ game every day as a married single mom. And I *know* you know what I'm talking about.

The problem is I just haven't been bringing my A+++ game lately. It's been more like C, or C-, or let's be honest, C--- bordering on F. Hey, I just call it like I see it! :( About four years ago I spent two months eating free of refined carbs and sugar. My friend called it "The Meaty Meaty Diet." Awesome. :) She was right. Basically I ate protein and green veggies, with a few things like oatmeal or cheese thrown in a few times a week. It really changed my outlook ~ I felt better both physically AND emotionally, and there is NO price you can put on that.

So, is anybody with me? I'm crazy, I know, just say it! But at this point, I've gotta bump that C--- up to at least a C+ and this is a great way for me to get started. I'm planning to blog about my adventure next week at least once or twice. Hopefully it will be a lot more than that, but we shall see! Check out the Sugar Free Challenge here.

In my neck of the woods....

2011-01-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

January 2011.

New shift for the hubs at work.
Week-long training class out of town for the hubs. Oh, which he found out about only 5 days beforehand. Gotta love planning ahead!
So, I'm giving myself permission to have breakfast for dinner while the husband is gone.
I'm giving myself at least a month, if not more, to get used to this new schedule.
And with all that "getting used to" and "permission" giving, I need a nap.

bye!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, Blog Friends.

Updates are few and far between these days, eh? I've been sucked in to the vortex known as FrontierVille on Facebook. My husband is holding an intervention for me over the holidays. :( That, and.... well, I have a life!

At any rate, I wanted to wish you each a Merry Christmas. There are so many of you whose blogs I read, and those of you who comment on mine..... I really appreciate the online community I'm a part of, however loose it may be and how little of the "classified" details I may know about your lives. Thanks for contributing to my sanity, each of you in your own way. You really know what it means when I say I'm a married single mom sometimes, and I am so grateful. Merry Christmas!

Also, Motor Cop's wife started blogging at Beyond The Boots and Britches. If you don't read MC's blog, you should -- Pronto! It's hilarious. Then, visit MC's wife for a view of the other side. :)

It's good to be a girl.

2010-12-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

This happened today:

Charlotte: "Mom, I don't have enough energy for walking today."
Me: "Ok, then you can run!"
Charlotte: "I don't have enough energy for that."
Me: "Ok, then you can skip!"
Charlotte: "I don't have enough energy for that."
Me: "You can hop instead."
Charlotte: "I don't have enough energy for that, either." [pouty pouty]
Me: "Oh, well... then you probably don't have enough energy for twirling like a princess. Being a princess is so much work. It takes so much energy."
Charlotte: "oh, MOM.... I have all the energy for that."

So we twirled our way to the store this afternoon. I got no complaints and we entertained the passersby. It's all about perspective. :)

Police Wife Chat

2010-11-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

I have grown to greatly appreciate and care about all the police wives out in cyberspace as we travel along this crazy road of life together. I keep in touch sometimes better than others. I have also benefited from chatting live with a few of you once or twice. Would anyone be up for a twitter chat? Tell me....

1) yay or nay (would you "come" to the party?)
2) what day of the week
3) what time of day (please include time zone ~ try to keep it Eastern if you can)

Thanks!

The benefit of fall is...

2010-11-18T20:03:00.002-07:00

...my kids think they should be in bed when it gets dark. That's a lot earlier than their normal bed time. And I think I'll be taking advantage of that. :)

Say it with me now: "I love my life"

2010-11-16T09:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, blog friends, say it with me now: "I love my life. I love my life. I love my life."

Maybe if I say it enough, type it enough, see it in print.... I'll believe it. I'll get to that in a minute. But first, the "No Spend November" update, as BunnyO was asking about in the comments. It's been.... OK. I guess I really should have called it "No Frivolous Spend November" because I'm certainly still spending money but it's more on things that are not frivolous and necessary. So considering I'd want to call it that, I guess it's more just a major cutting back than not spending. Again, I'm pleased with my efforts to MINDFULLY spend money instead of seeing something and tossing it in my cart because I can. I definitely have had days where I haven't spent anything. I've been trying to be more creative with what's in my pantry, and making do with what I have instead of automatically running to the store to buy something. It's been good. But I sure have a long way to go.

Now, I realize that there hasn't been a lot of police activity here lately. I'm really worn out about caring about all that stuff. I realized last night that I've shrugged off the label of "police officer" and "police wife" and am focusing more on the crap that is the fallout of the job that my husband has and the shift that takes him way from our home. The bumper sticker that goes something like this came to mind: "If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention." That's how I feel about The Job right now. I'm not paying attention. Just getting through the day. So, I'm not outraged. I can't remember the last time I asked about what happened on shift. I don't care any more. If he has some interesting case or some crazy thing that happened I'm happy to listen and ask questions, but otherwise.... whatever.

I think this stems from being stretched pretty thin with schooling, three small kids, illnesses, and my own work that needs to get done. We were recently together with some relatives and, as all well-behaved adults do, traded a few jabs about our lives. I can't exactly remember how it started, but of course I'm sure that the HUSBAND did started it. (yeah right) lol. Anyway eventually it degraded to something like this:

me: "Ok, go on home, I'll send the kids with you and I'll stay here"
DH: "Alrighty, good luck getting home then!"
me: "Who said I wanted to go home? It sure would be nice to have a little break!"
DH: [open-mouthed incredulity and death stare]
me: "I know it's really hard on you to be working so much but it's hard for me too"
DH: "At least you work with people you love. I work with people I can't stand and they aggravate me to no end."
me: "I won't argue that point."

It made it clearer to me that, as I have always suspected, he thinks I have some cushy, easy job sitting around in a bed of roses with all my responsibilities at home. So last night after the kids were in bed, I said "See ya, I'm going to Target." He wanted to go instead. He said "You always get to go and do fun things like that with the kids." uh, EXCUSE ME??!? I never get to go out at 9:30 at night while you are at work. I rarely get to go anywhere BY MYSELF. I rarely get a quick trip to where ever I want, taking the time I want, to look at whatever I want. Excuse me?!?!? I tried to get him to see that taking three kids all over town to do errands is not fun. One errand, maybe, but your whole life?? He tried to argue with me. "But I had so much fun with them at the grocery store tonight!" Yeah, when you are at the store with no real purpose or need to get a huge list of things done, I could see how that is fun.

Me: "Was it fun when Dallas started screaming?"
DH: "Well no.... but after he got picked up he was ok!"
Me: "And then did you go through the checkout line and pay for the groceries while you were carrying him?"
DH: "Well, no, but I didn't even try" [because *I* was paying and caring for the two older kids]
Me: "I would be happy to let you take all three kids to the store and...."
DH: "Nevermind, nevermind, just go, get out of here, go to Target." [wah, wah, wah]

So it's pretty clear to me that the husband has a romanticized idea of what my life is like. He swears he doesn't, and usually he is pretty good truly understanding. But.... right now, I think he's hating his job so much that his vision is clouded. I recommend getting a new job. We'll see if he ever gets motivation to do that.

What's the definition of "NO" exactly?

2010-11-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

Right, so, I'm at the beginning of "No Spend November" which is, truthfully, going quite horribly. I gave you a run-down on Day 1, so let me follow up with the last few days.

Day 2: Give me a medal. Didn't spend a penny!
Day 3: #FAIL
Day 4: Epic #FAIL

To put it in perspective, on Day 3 I did my little trick of returning some stuff ($9.33) and then buying some more stuff ($5.56), with the idea that "net" I saved some money because I spent less than I returned. I seriously think that's cheating, but it makes me feel better that I'm kind of sort of still a little bit following along.

But that's NOT the point!! Day 4, fresh off my mild disappointments of Day 3, I realized that my NSN is not at all about not spending money, it's about my attitude behind my spending. I made that point before, right? That I want to be GRATEFUL for the things I do have and not spend a bunch of money on things I just "want."

Now, I'm totally NOT going to go blame it all on my mom (although in most of life she thinks you can always blame everything on your parents) but, I grew up in a house where retail therapy was one of the five food groups. Seriously. Fridays were shopping days. I learned my best math at some big fancy department stores on their "Take an extra 40% off" days. To this day, although my husband is generally much better at figuring math problems in his head than I am, I will beat him every time when it comes to calculating a percentage off of a product, and what the final cost will be. I tell you this to help you understand that when I say I use shopping (and, um, food, which we can talk about another time) instead of dealing with my emotions, well, you can see how it's not that far off, and, given my upbringing it makes total sense. Of course you would do that!

But when I really stop to think about it, I don't like it that way. I want to go buy something because I need it. Ok, maybe once in a while I'll just buy something for the sheer pleasure of "wanting it" and then getting it, but otherwise I really only want to buy things because they add value to my life. And more often than not, I'm realizing that I'm engaging in retail therapy because I'm anxious, worried, concerned, or unhappy about something else that is going on in my life. Shopping is fun! It makes you feel good! You deserve it! You're worth it! Whether or not all the ads encouraging you to buy, buy, buy make it sound like this, those statements are things our culture subliminally tells us every day. If we stop long enough to think about what it is we are doing, we'd be shocked. That's why I love the bumper sticker that goes something like this: "If you aren't enraged you aren't paying attention."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in a house that would qualify for a Hoarders episode (yet) and I'm not wracking up thousands of dollars of debt with my purchases. But I am definitely guilty of saying "Oh, I have a big difficult long day ahead of me, I'm going to treat myself by going out and buying a cup of coffee." Or visiting the local bakery. Or allowing myself to ________ (fill in the blank). Instead of actually recognizing that "Ok, this is going to be hard, I have to deal with it" I stuff my face (or my shopping bag) with something and then let the situation just happen. I should probably just let it happen without the baggage of all the other stuff.

Which is where No Spend November comes in. I realize that I'm not always that grateful for what I do have, and what I can do. By trying to NOT spend, I'm recognizing my weaknesses for certain items, times of day, and events in my life where I turn to something else to really satisfy me. And all this material stuff? Well, you can't take it with you. And it doesn't satisfy long term. It actually creates lots of headache (and heartache, too).

So, I'm back on the trail of gratefulness today. I'm hoping not to spend any $$, but if I do, I will know why and how and be better for it. I hope.

What are you grateful for today? Are you demonstrating it, or just saying it?

Oops, I am crazy

2010-11-03T21:56:00.000-06:00

Well, Day One of No Spend November went pretty poorly. Oops! Of course ~ part of the problem could be that I actually went to Costco. Doh! Automatic FAIL.

I bought gas -- total necessity. Once inside, I spent $70.... on
$10 -- birthday present
$28 -- groceries
$18 -- lightbulbs
$12 -- kleenex
And the rest was tax...?? I hate it when that happens. I guess I should get out my receipt so I can know exactly where the money went. **OH, I just remembered kleenex. Added to the list.

The moral of the story is -- don't go to Costco if it's No Spend November. lol. I did skip buying lunch out today when I wanted to try a new restaurant near the park where we were today. I also skipped putting some splurge items in my cart at Costco. I guess that's progress!?!?

As I was walking down the aisles at Costco, I was exercising gratefulness that I could even think about putting all these things which were totally NON essentials into my basket.

I also pulled out some stuff I bought at Target at 50% off the day after Halloween, and decided to return that. So.... does that mean I get to spend the money I get on the return? Hmmm.... Should I follow the spirit of the month or run full speed legalistically ahead? :) We shall see.

And we'll see what tomorrow holds! Hopefully, more gratefulness.

How are you grateful today?

No Spend November

2010-11-03T00:28:00.000-06:00

I think I'm crazy, but I'm going to demonstrate that I am thankful for what I have this November by not spending money on MORE stuff. I'm going to try to eat through some of our stockpile. I'm going to use up some of the gift cards we have laying around. I'm going to wear (and organize?!?!) the clothes I have instead of buying that "cute" something for the event I'm going to. (Even if it is just a pair of cute socks.)

You know what I'm talking about.

Some of my friends are only using Facebook this month to post one thing every day they are grateful for. I decided I'm not going to just say I'm thankful, I'm going to demonstrate it. At least I hope so. How are you going to demonstrate that you are thankful? Words can be powerful, but actions speak even louder than words.

How will you demonstrate your thankfulness today?

Cold and Flu Season

2010-11-01T23:26:00.000-06:00

It's cold and flu season. We've had our first cold of the season already. If you are like my husband, you just use your mind to overcome the bad germs in your body and have no need of any of the fancy remedies or preventive medicines so many folks out there swear by. So, as usual, I'll give you my cold-and-flu season in LIST form, since I hardly have much more of an attention span than, well, looking at a list. Without further ado....

Ways to prevent cold and flu this season:

Use your mind to overcome it (wait, that doesn't work for me)
Get crazy about hand washing. I mean, crazy, crazy, CRAZY. I ruined my oldest son so much so that he won't do anything before he makes a beeline for the bathroom every time we get home from being out. But please do it right. Don't use antibacterial soap, but do use warm water and actually make it count. scrub! all over!
Use disposable hand towels (gasp) or assign a "personal" hand towel for each member of the family.
Don't touch your eyes or your mouth. Ever.
Irrigate your nose twice daily with a bottled saline solution or a neti pot. Get those germs out.
Gargle twice daily with salt water or Listerine. Gotta kill those germs!
Drink lots of hot water or tea. The heat kills the germs and washes the really strong ones down into your tummy where your stomach acid finishes the job if necessary.

I started the "personal" hand towel policy last fall when we had H1N1 at our house, and I got bloody, dry, cracked hands from all the hand washing. However, I was the only one of the five of us here that didn't get hit so maybe I was doing something right. I just instituted #5, 6, and 7 and I'm even thinking about buying the kiddie versions of saline spray for each of my littles. We'll see.

Do you have a cold and flu evasion technique that you swear by? I'd love to broaden my horizons.

The Muppets

2010-10-24T09:45:00.000-06:00

We recently returned from a trip where we celebrated the memory of my uncle who recently passed away. It is a crazy family situation, and somewhat tragic. I'll just leave it at that. Anyhow, in a desire to lighten the mood here at our house I found this today, and it brought a smile to my face. I hope it does the same for you.

It made my day...

2010-10-09T15:47:00.001-06:00

This week we were on an "I'm-going-to-go-crazy-if-I-don't-get-out-of-here-quick" walk, when we happened to walk by the local fire station with all it's apparatus out in full glory in the driveway. I say "full glory" because if you are a six-year-old, a four-year-old, or a 17-month-old, the angels begin singing when you spot this sort of sight on a run-of-the-mill walk. The engine had it's cab up in the air and they were testing the lights and sirens; similarly the ambulance was out of the bay and getting inspected. My kids were in awe. We were really content just to watch them go through their paces, and were about to walk on when one of the firefighters came over and said these blessed words: "Do you want to look inside the fire engine?"

My kids were in awe. This guy was awesome. He got down on the kids' level and explained stuff. He let them hold a nozzle for the hose. He lifted them into the cab of the engine. He was patient, and kind, and I almost wanted to kiss him for how he was treating my kids like adults, but sharing with them in a way they would understand. To clarify: I almost wanted to kiss him but I'm married so I don't do that sort of thing, and he kept calling me m'am. Never kiss a man who calls you m'am. And, as my husband repeatedly points out: No PDAs (public displays of affection) in uniform.

So instead, this young firefighter (who really prefers the paramedic part of his job, FYI) has earned my undying respect and my wishful thinking that I could bake a batch of cookies for him and his station-mates, and have them actually eat them and not throw them away for fear of food poisoning.

Remember how I said he was patient and kind? It really showed when my son commented "I've been inside of a paramedic before!" and the helpful medic, well.... he was a little speechless. It was cute. And what a great opportunity to discuss the difference between a paramedic and an ambulance! :)

Thank you, Mr. Firefighter Medic. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Updated Pancakes

2010-10-06T23:24:00.000-06:00

I think I told you that back in August I shared about my favorite Oatmeal Pancakes on The Storylady Blog. Well, given that it's fall and everyone ELSE is doing it, I thought I'd tell you that I updated these pancakes for fall and now they are PUMPKIN OATMEAL PANCAKES!

I added about half a can of pureed pumpkin to the milk/oat mixture, and a nicely generous portion of ground cinnamon to the dry ingredients... Voila!!

My son says these are the best pancakes he has ever had in his whole life. I'm smitten with that boy.

Cliff Talk

2010-10-05T22:32:00.000-06:00

Today Motorcop posted about two motors officers out in his neck of the woods who were in two different crashes; one in Concord and one in Fremont. If you are the praying kind, please say some prayers for each of them and their families.

As I read about Officer Brower in Fremont, I was angry. What idiot decides to run down a cop who isn't even.... well, don't get me started. That's just rhetorical. We all know what kind of idiot does that. So, as usual, I started projecting.

I started thinking about this man and his family. His wife. His three sons. What it would be like to come back from an injury like that. I'm not just talking about the physical recovery. I'm also wondering what kind of emotional recovery goes along with it.

My husband has always been a 'tough guy.' Not a 'tough guy' in a pig-headed way, but a 'tough guy' in the very best sense of the word. The kind of guy who would follow you home to make sure you got in safely, just because it is the right thing to do. He's a little quick to judge other guys who are -- let's say it -- pansies. The ones who leave the women and children to burn and race off to save themselves. (That is definitely pansy.) Anyway, I worry about my man. All of our officers. They are trained to be tough, and hard, and invincible. They aren't (as we all know) but if they think they are ~ that's half the battle to winning with a sketchy suspect.

So what happens when that invincibility is put to the test, and our officer comes out on the bottom? Would my husband return to his previously invincible-feeling self? Or would he not be quite as invincible feeling? Would he question his ability to do his job? And would he hate himself for it?

Then I realized, I am just borrowing trouble. I had to talk myself 'back from the cliff' as I like to say. I have to put away all the crazy talk and get outside of myself to speak rationally to myself. This time, I came at it from the slant of worrying. How many hundreds of sayings are there about worrying? All of them saying something to the effect that we should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble for itself. When (I'd sure prefer to say IF!) my husband experiences some difficulty in his job which changes his outlook or injures him, that will be a different bridge to cross. And we'll be able to cross it without much worry, for it will be a day of it's own, with it's own worry.

What's your favorite "don't borrow trouble" saying?

oh!

2010-10-02T00:28:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else freaked out that it's October now?!?!

so sick of swings

2010-10-01T00:26:00.001-06:00

I was just congratulating myself about how "we've" been on swing shift for about a year now, and I've got the hang of it. We have a rhythm going and it's.... working? Well, we are limping along.

Today, I changed my mind. I'm sick of swings.

I was up early today. We were out the door early (me and three kids) where I took the kids to the doctor and, surprise!, all three got poked and prodded. Yes, we're an immunizing family. Then off to classes. Then home. Nap. Dinner. Teeth brushing. (This is my least favorite time of the day -- which happens at least twice every day.) PJs. Bed. Today, dinner was easy. I had a sweet friend spring for fancy-schmancy pizza. Right around bedtime, the Husband called and it was the first time I talked to him all day.

I'm going to take a minute out of my story here to mention that my husband has the superb knack of ONLY ever calling me from work when I'm supremely busy and going out of my mind trying to do something -- like cook dinner or get all the kids in bed. And I feel compelled to chat with him for a few minutes since I usually have no idea when I'll get to talk to him again on shift. I hate that! Why does he have that sixth sense that complicates my life!

But back to the story.

So, husband's on the phone, and he wants to know about the visit to the pediatrician. My six-year-old proudly got on the phone to report there was no crying for him. My daughter got on the phone to tell her dad she cried from the time we got out of the car until we got back in it 90 minutes later. I got on the phone to hear how angry he was that our kids got poked with needles. Are you freaking kidding me? Don't kill the messenger, or don't allow your kids to be vaccinated. For a tough guy, he sure has a tender heart when it comes to our kids. And DON'T call me at bedtime. oh.... my life.

One thought

2010-09-29T22:55:00.001-06:00

Today I had a mild panic attack when I realized I didn't know if my mom had thrown away a special set of my dad's shirts.

I mentioned my dad in my last post, so maybe he's just been on my mind lately. Actually, I know he has been. Yesterday I got really angry when I thought about him missing my life. Wha.....??! I mean, that feels so out of left field I can't even say the entire word "what." I'm not angry at him, it's not like it was his fault. I'm not angry at God, either. Just.... angry. Then sad. Then confused about why it matters at this point. When would it be "ok" for your parent to die? If you are 45 years old and your dad was 65 or 70, is that "ok"? Is that "fair"? No anger required? Or...? I'm really at a loss. I can't imagine anyone ever dying and my being OK with it. This is a mind game at this point but it's an interesting idea.

My mom took a while but after he died, but she did get rid of my dad's clothes in a pretty healthy and timely manner. She saved a laundry basket full of shirts that were so "him." It was always business casual for him, more or less. He had plenty of suits (which he did wear more than "occasionally"), but there are plenty of shirts that I would take one look at and they would scream DAD to me. You know the ones. My husband has a bunch of shirts like that. Whether they like it or not, the men in my life have a signature style. No, I didn't say they are stylish, just have a signature style. :)

So I realized I need some of those shirts. I need to do something with them. I called up my mom and she really didn't have time to talk, but I asked if she still had the shirts and she said "Yup, they are in my husband's closet." (Talk about weird, but hey! It works for him and I'm grateful.) One of the best things was that my mom made my garter-to-keep for my wedding out of material from one of those shirts. I'm really glad I have that. It made me cry when I opened it at my bridal shower and I think everyone there was a bit surprised by such a strong reaction to a garter. There's always a story, though, isn't there?

Anyhow.... that's that. Pondering lots of things these days. What's going on in your neck of the woods?

what is it?

2010-09-21T08:08:00.000-06:00

If you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that all my familia (small though it may be) was in town for a long weekend of birthday extravaganza-ing. It was a good excuse; a few birthdays, some babysitting needs I had, extra airline credit to use up.... all converged for a convergence of my family in our town. It was wonderful.

The not-so-wonderful thing was that my mom's husband was there. The wonderful thing is, he's a wonderful guy. Are you confused yet? There's nothing wrong with him, really. In fact he is amazing. But he's my mom's husband. Not my dad. My dad, who has never met my husband or my three children and knows nothing of my current life. If you've been reading for a while, you may remember that I memorialized the 13th anniversary of my dad's death this year. He died of a brain tumor.

My dad's five brothers, bless their hearts, were terrified about dying themselves from a brain tumor. I don't know if their concern over their own mortality led them to be really crappy during that time in our lives or they are just generally crappy people. Since they are related to my great dad, I'm going to go with the former. Anyway. So all that was a long time ago. Now, one of my uncles has basically ruined his life and has been in the hospital for a few months. He's behaved in such a way as to throw his life away, when my dad more than likely would have given anything to keep his. It's so complicated ~ isn't it always? ~ but it makes me so sad.

This weekend, my grandma facebook messaged me. Yes, my 70-something-years-old grandma! She wanted to tell me "before it gets all over facebook" that another one of my uncles has cancer. It's so odd. It may not be a brain tumor, but it's definitely another way to face your own mortality. I'm aching for my aunt and my cousins. I'm aching for my grandma, who has already lost a husband and son, and is facing the distinct possibility of losing two more.

Then I get frustrated. I'm of the camp that 'if it's your time to go, it's your time' and it may be from cancer, gangrene, a car crash or a 15-pound hail ball, but....you're gonna go. Death is inevitable! It's just that these illnesses force us to stare death in the face, while we might normally do a very good job of relegating it to a small corner behind us. It's another good reminder, even for me who really isn't skittish about death, to get my house in order. How about you? Are you 'ready'?

Life in Lists

2010-09-09T09:18:00.000-06:00

School has started, as well as our extracurricular activities which start up this week. I'm a list maker. I strongly believe that if I make a list I am excused from recalling any of it, since I've written it down and freed my brain for other things. Sooooo.... since I'm in "list mode" y'all get a life list from me instead of a nice, newsy, scintillating blog post. :)

School started
I can't keep up
My baby has non-mom anxiety

Ok, that's not a very interesting list, but my head is a little cloudy at the moment. With the end of our month-long vacation as well as the end of summer, life is off and running at the speed of light. Husband has lots of overtime scheduled for the next few months, and of course we are happy about that since he takes it as comp time but it won't be for a while yet that he'll be able to use any of it. Sigh.

I'm also secretly plotting to get him to change his work schedule next year so that I can take EMT classes. I'm sure that will really help with #2 up there, "I can't keep up."

Not!!

Disheartened

2010-08-27T16:38:00.001-06:00

I was at our favorite local grocery store recently, and one of the employees there looked REALLY familiar to me. I tried to figure out if I knew her and eventually we just laughed and she told me that she had recently moved from another state. It's a state, in fact, that we have been thinking of moving to, so I said that and then she gasped.

"Don't move there! Do not. With those beautiful children, stay far, far away."

What!??! I had no idea what she was talking about, especially when she mentioned my kids. Well, come to find out, she felt like the town has a great reputation for openness and progressiveness, however, she found it to be very racist and antagonistic. She said "I'm from New York. I can take it like the best of them! But I was depressed the ENTIRE TIME I lived there. There's no sun. There's no open-mindedness. I was miserable. MISERABLE. I moved here and I'm so happy. I've never been happier. No problems. It was that horrible city that made me like that."

Hmm... well that's certainly NOT a resounding endorsement of that area. Made me sad. And a little happy, since I don't want to move anyway. :) ha!

Not sure about this one...

2010-08-26T15:51:00.000-06:00

killed

2010-08-22T00:48:00.000-06:00

Recently we were in the middle of a long car ride when we had an impromptu gun safety class with our three kids, initiated by our almost-four-year-old. She started us off by saying,

"Daddy, if you are working on your shooting thing and then you are trying to fix it do you think it can go shooting and get you killed?"

So we talked for a while about what those shooting things are (guns!), how they are not just for "fun" (at least not yet), and I veered my dear husband away from talking about shooting people for fun (a la bb guns and paint balling) so as not to confuse the dear children.

They know they are never allowed to touch -- without permission -- what they may see around (which isn't so much any more, if you were reading my blog about a year ago you know it was gun crazy at our house); we talked about how some kids don't follow the no-touching rule and they have either killed other people or killed themselves even on accident. It was a really great conversation; of course, at least we thought it was. And it ended nicely on this note, as again, something only an almost-four-year-old could say:

"Daddy, when you were little did you get killed once?"

Maybe the conversation didn't go quite as well as we thought. Oh well. It's a process.

It's Complicated...

2010-08-11T20:11:00.000-06:00

Hey there...

I bet you thought I dropped off the face of the earth, huh? :) Well, it's complicated. Husband is on vacation for quite some time. However, due to my responsibilities in my corner of the world I'm really not able to go anywhere out of town. I'm chained. Husband refuses to go anywhere by himself or, gasp, with a kid or two in tow, so we are all stuck here at each others' throats in this teeny tiny apartment.

To make matters worse, DH is stuck on his regular work-a-day schedule so when he gets up in the afternoon and is "ready to go" I am on the downhill slide, careening towards bedtime with very little energy to get up and go be the cruise director for fun and games. He has to pick up the slack, but of course, he's on vacation so he's not having any of that!

So I have no interesting stories to relate, nothing to share about how much the police life bites or rocks, just... my little corner of the world, slowly slipping out of summer and into fall. How are you spending your August?

Oatmeal Zucchini Pancakes

2010-08-01T09:07:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell you ~ I shared my very favorite pancake recipe on The Storylady Cooking Blog recently! I made them again today, but with the addition of 1 cup of grated zucchini and a healthy dose of cinnamon and nutmeg. The kids loved them, just as much as they love the 'regular' oatmeal pancakes. I'll have to remember this for St. Patrick's Day, although it is completely NOT zucchini season in March. :)

Yum-o!

Encouragement

2010-07-29T22:49:00.000-06:00

I received this in my email inbox today:

Our children are beautiful, unique diamonds in the rough, full of potential yet requiring time and effort to reveal their full brilliance. Building character is a multifaceted task which takes time, patience, love, skill, and determination. The process of building character is something that can't be rushed. It requires balance and a well rounded approach. Each individual facet or character trait is an important part of the whole. Building character is not an easy task, but the reward is worth the time, patience, and effort.

Rene Sundberg

I've been a bit discouraged lately; I think part of it is the summer laziness and lack of direction I have had ~ although it's not for lack of trying! My husband deals with people all the time who are full grown adults and they never had anyone help build their character... or they ditched whatever character they did have in some dark back alley right before they mugged an unsuspecting citizen at gunpoint.

Like I mentioned in my last post, I have great hope that my children will not turn into crap adults. This quote was really encouraging to me; growing up adults who contribute meaningfully to their communities with ~ gasp ~ character takes time and patience. It doesn't happen overnight.

"Who shot him?"

2010-07-24T23:23:00.001-06:00

We went to the pediatrician this week. Dallas got some vaccines, which were uncomfortable but didn't phase him too much; Charlotte sobbed and sobbed as she watched. Oh dear.

The big excitement came as we were exiting from the hospital section of the medical complex. As we were walking out, I noticed a big hullabaloo brewing. One of the candy stripers (is it still pc to say that?) was running out the door as another shoeless woman was not far behind her. They were both headed toward a screaming woman (a mom? auntie? grandma?) who was saying "They said he got shot. Where is he? Where IS he? Where'd he get shot?" (In the arm and the side, evidently) "Who shot him? Is he dead?"

It was the briefest of scenes but it was so jolting to me. Thankfully the five year old was not in tow, as he would have picked up on what was going on. Charlotte was blissfully unaware.

In the loading zone out front were two parked police cars, one with lights still flashing.

You are never going to believe this ~ oh wait, my readers in general hear it all so you probably ARE going to believe this ~ I just looked up the crime log for that day and the shooting happened on a street that borders the medical complex. Right there. RIGHT THERE!

Anyway, as I said, it was rather jarring for me. I'm still thinking about it. I hear all the baloney those cops out there on the front lines deal with on a regular basis. I hear it with a jaded, bitter slant from one of those cops himself. But there is nothing like seeing the look on a mom's face that says "Is my child dead or alive?"

I don't care what kind of crap adults my children turn out to be (although I pray they do not actually turn out to be crap adults); I will always, always, always have that look of "Is my child dead or alive?" on my face when I hear something terrible has happened to him or her. That's the kind of heart I have as I hear the stories my husband brings home to me on a regular basis. The heart that thinks, "At one time, that person was a child..."

hi everybody

2010-07-10T17:33:00.001-06:00

Whatcha up to, folks? Just sort of floating here... Hence the lack of anything very truly interesting being posted here for a while. If you follow me on twitter (@HandcuffedHeart) you know I'm bellyaching about the horrible news media. I'm sure you can all relate. This week husband worked a weird schedule, and I got sucked in to reading stuff online about the police which even *I* know is completely untrue, and I don't feel like all that much of an insider. I got so riled up I literally slammed shut the laptop and vowed to stop reading. The piles and piles of ineptitude displayed by the media, and the ignorance of the public that spews additional, well, ignorance.... it's just too much for me. And it feels personal. I think I take everything a little too personally (don't ask my husband, he will laugh hysterically that I actually admitted that).

/end rant

Ok, so other than the ranting, I'm just trying to keep us all safe and sane over the summer holiday. Planning for school coming up, and planning my dream vacation where we find a house to buy and a job for DH all in two weeks or less. HA! Don't everyone laugh at once. I'm just trying to prep myself in advance.

I'm really not "happy" about moving but I will suck it up and be cheerful about it, more or less. When my almost-6-year-old son, cries about it, however, I will totally lose it. This day is far off, I'm sure, as nothing in our family ever gets decided quickly or easily but I'm just preparing myself now. I'm slow to embrace change. Don't have to like that about myself, but at least I know it about myself.

What are you doing this summer to stay safe and keep sane? Especially if you have little ones running around? Share your super-smart ideas with me, please!!

Hair's The Ingredient List! ;)

2010-07-07T16:46:00.000-06:00

If you like eating duck feathers or human hair, here's a list of foods you should eat:

Noah's New York Bagels
Dunkin Donut's cake-style donuts
Oscar Meyer Lunchables
Zatarain's products (cajun food)
cigarettes
Emergen-C

Of course, don't look for "duck feathers" or "human hair" on the ingredient list. It will be listed as L-Cysteine. It is used as a reducing agent in bakery products to:

Reduce the mixing time of the flour dough.
Stop shrinking of pizza crust after it is flattened.
Help move the dough through various bakery processing equipments or dough conditioners.

Gross, grosser, and grossest. I read this first at (and took this information from) Zsuzsana's Blog. I may not agree with her all the time but she often includes very interesting information on her blog like this. Wow!

Who's hiring?

2010-07-02T05:00:00.008-06:00

I've finally caved.

I'm willing to move.

I have not wanted to do the moving thing. I'm happy here. I have friends here. I have history. I know the checkers at my grocery store. I know all the streets in the town. I've lived here for about half of my life (and as I'm not a fresh 20-something that's sayin' something).

But I don't like our living situation, and, well... it's complicated. The husband is unhappy. I'm thinking long term this doesn't need to be the place for us.

I'm weary.

So, folks... Who's hiring? I heard recently about a department that advertised for a few weeks for a few openings and received over 1,000 applications. DH's department recently hired a few 20+ year veterans from other departments who had been laid off. He also tells me there are two or three ride alongs from other agencies every day this week who have (or will be) laid off and are looking for a job. This is not the time to be looking for a job.

The obvious thing is for him to stick in law enforcement, although he has skills in many other areas. Staying in law enforcement could be tricky if we cross state lines and he needs to go to a sort of "make up" academy. However, both of us are going to start looking for work and see if anything comes up for one of us first. I'd like to look at states on the west coast or states like Idaho, Wyoming, Montana. Other states which don't seem too palatable but might be OK are Alaska, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Nevada. Don't ask me why, that's just how it is in my world right now.

So if you have any good suggestions or leads, please leave them in comments. Feel free to leave them anonymously if you are concerned about your identity and location being out in the cyberworld. Or email me! handcuffed.heart@gmail.com

Thanks, friends!

Update: Nasty & Noxious Style

2010-07-01T21:54:00.000-06:00

You may remember how surprised I was by the nasty and noxious lady at my local coffee shop recently. I should have known better... but evidently she is an institution there. So when I went there again today, well... there she was. I shouldn't have been surprised, but... I was terrified. :O

I ran into a former neighbor who was on his break from working at said coffee shop, and asked him about her. Is she generally not too nice? He confirmed that he thinks maybe something's not quite right with her. She's had run-ins with other customers in the past, evidently. Whew! I'm glad it's not me.

And he confirmed, they DO mop the floors every night so it really wasn't that big of a deal. Whew!

Does it take all types?

2010-06-25T01:12:00.000-06:00

I think it takes a special kind of person to be a police officer. In fact, there are lots of jobs that take a special kind of person. However, I think being a cop is such a unique job that it has a higher percentage of people who are ~ well, very similar. It makes me think that "it takes all types" doesn't exactly apply when you're discussing the personality of a cop.

Of course I'm writing about this because of a recent conversation I had. I ran into an acquaintance of ours who recently lost his job. He had talked to DH in the past about becoming a cop, and when I saw him again recently he started up with asking about the job again. I've known this person for years. Years and years and years. He would NOT make a good cop. But how do I flat out say that? I guess I could say that but it is for reasons that aren't all that flattering. Anyway I think DH told him he wouldn't be a good cop when they talked about it too. Let's just say he has temper and confrontation issues. So finally I said "Well, you know DH says that his very best weapon is not on his duty belt, it's his verbal judo. He gets into so few fights and 'befriends' so many of his suspects because he can make friends with the scumbags and act cool then slap the cuffs on them all quick-like. So if you think you can really use your words to finesse all kinds of situations that is probably a point in your favor." In my mind I'm thinking... well, I'm thinking "please read between the lines."

After we had been chatting a while, his wife comes out of left field with some comment about how she doesn't think he would make a good cop because his personality is more like mine and not like my husbands. Excuse me?? I don't think she knows what an insult that was to me. Obviously she must like her husband (she married him) but .... yuck. She was saying how we both have confrontational personalities and it's not a good idea to have that as a cop. I was so flabbergasted. When I mentioned it to my DH he chuckled and said "Maybe she meant he is so girlie and wasn't insulting you." That's a possibility, because he sure is girlie.

After this comment I recalled a recent conversation where a friend of mine said I am not at all what I seem. She clarified by saying that when she first met me she thought I was tough and sarcastic... but now having known me for a few years (and I would say now she really does know me pretty well), she realizes that I am actually super sensitive and it was a shock to her to realize this. Now that I'm thinking about it, I have another example. But I'll leave it at that. So... what is it that people think I'm one way but really... I'm not? I never, ever try to be anything but "real." I don't try to be someone that I'm not, but I'm certainly private. So you see one side of me mostly until you really, truly get to know me. Maybe that's what's going on here.

But it still makes me think. Who am I?

Ok, now back to that acquaintance who thinks being a cop would be easy-peasy. We kept talking and he started asking me about academy. Now, I can only speak for our (my husband's) experience, not every academy in general. But I'm coming from a place of being married to a man who went to one of the academies in our state which has a reputation for being one of the toughest, if not the toughest, places to graduate from. The class before my huband's had a 20% graduation rate or something ridiculously small like that. They were flabbergasted that my husband's class had such a high graduation rate of around 50%. I was trying to explain it to this guy... the idea of having limited chances to remediate on exams, always living in fear of being dropped, watching your classmates fail out... I did tell him he would do a great job on the physical fitness part. :) He basically poo-pooed all my comments saying that it is only emotionally difficult because he has a degree from [insert name of University here] and he's not stupid so he's sure it would be so easy. I just about wanted to puke my brains out when I was listening to this arrogant talk.

The best was when I suggested being a dispatcher. "They hardly make any money!"

Then I did suggest Starbucks. You know, they offer health insurance and you don't even have to work a full 40 hours. "That is so insulting I would never, ever work there." My response? "Well, you better put your house up for sale then if you aren't going to do whatever it takes to make some money for your family."

Never a dull moment, people. Never.

Don't be nasty and noxious

2010-06-15T05:00:00.000-06:00

This is a story about the kind of old lady I do NOT want to be.

This is a story about the kind of present day lady I do NOT want to be.

This is a story about an old lady who needs some serious love in her life.

Recently there was an event around town where people were allowed to chalk up the sidewalks with beautiful drawings. We were walking around town and one of our stops was at the coffee shop so I could get a drink. :) Do you know what happens to chalk? It makes lots of dust. While we were walking around town, as much as I tried to avoid the drawings, they're on the freakin' sidewalk and some of my stroller wheels went over them and got chalk dust on the wheels.

I ordered my drink at the coffee place and was waiting for them to call my name, when Austin ran over to get a straw for me. An older lady ("nasty noxious nagger") was knitting and said something to me. She muttered something about the floor, and I thought she was saying that Austin picked up my straw from the floor. No, with her evil grimace she said something to the effect that "all those marks all over the floor are from your stroller!" I looked and indeed, there was a little track my wheels had made from the door to the register and then to where I was standing. With disappointment in my eyes and face I said "Oh, no! It must be because of all the chalk on the sidewalk!" She just looked at me and rolled her eyes. If stares could get you covered in mud, this one was the dirtiest look I'd seen in a long time. What an evil old spiteful lady! I did feel bad, especially because I am usually very sensitive about cleaning up after myself. But... guess what?? They mop those floors every day! It was as if she wanted me to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the tracks up myself. I bet you, in fact, if I had gone back there a few hours later they would be all gone from people simply walking over them. As we were leaving I gave her my sweetest "Bye, have a good day!" and boy did that make her unhappy!!

I feel two ways about this. First, she really got under my skin and made me so mad. What right does she have to be so nasty to me? Then (although I was still annoyed), I felt bad for her. What horrible things have happened in her life that she has to be so uptight and nasty about something like that, to someone she doesn't even know? Finally, I thought, I will NEVER be like that. (I hope!!)

How about you? When you are mistreated, can you see both sides of the coin? My husband, after dealing with "the scum of the earth" day in and day out, has a really really hard time seeing that flip side of the coin. I always go back to the "they were someone's child" ... at one time they actually *weren't* "scum of the earth" but now.....? And I'm certainly NOT saying I can see both sides every time, but any which way you look at it, it should be sad.

As a LEO wife I do my best to bring balance to my husband's life. Just like I get enmeshed and overwhelmed with the kid-life of three kids five years old and younger, my husband gets completely wrapped up in his "you are all scum" job outlook. I'm obviously being extremely black and white here but it's generally true. I do my best to battle against that and encourage him to do the same. Do you?

Rookie Blue

2010-06-14T22:56:00.001-06:00

Anyone heard of the new show on ABC called Rookie Blue? From the trailers I am completely underwhelmed. Check out a trailer here: http://abc.go.com/shows/rookie-blue

I'll do my best to withhold judgment until I actually see an episode, but from the looks of things it can't hold a candle to SouthLAnd. But we shall see. I might have to go get the first season DVD of SouthLAnd from Amazon to hold me over!

brownie banana muffins

2010-06-14T10:50:00.000-06:00

Here's the recipe for the muffins I made yesterday. They made exactly 12 regular size muffins and were pretty tasty straight out of the oven. I was pleased with how they tasted and was SO excited I was going to make more, with a tweak or two. Sheesh! I tried one at room temp this morning, and all I have to say is, yuck. yuck, yuck, and more yuck. But the kids love them. They think they are getting something "amazing" and chocolate (since I don't normally let them eat chocolate) and they are all for them. But I am still going to work on them. My Notes:

Subbed flax meal for oil, next time try applesauce or prunes
Added splashes of vanilla
Use more bananas ~ at least 3
Bake about 17 minutes in my oven

Brownie Banana Muffin Recipe

2 cups whole-wheat flour
2 teaspoons (aluminum free) baking powder
½ teaspoon sea salt
¼ cup cocoa powder
½ teaspoon cinnamon
1 beaten egg
2 bananas, mashed (or 3)
½ cup soymilk, almond milk, or sesame milk (rice milk)
¼ cup safflower oil (or 3/4 c. flax meal, or 1/4 c. applesauce or prunes)
¾ cup raw honey or natural sugar substitute (I ran out so I used about 1/3 c. honey and a few shakes of brown sugar)
1/3 chopped nuts (not at our house!!)

Preparation Stir together flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and cocoa powder. In a smaller mixing bowl combine the egg, milk, oil, bananas and honey together. Add all at once to dry ingredients. Fold in the chopped nuts. Fill paper muffin cups 2/3 full. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. Makes 12 delicious muffins.

Read this note about subbing applesauce for oil, if you're interested.

Bitter Much?

2010-06-11T21:18:00.003-06:00

A while back Mrs. Fuzz of A Police Wife fame posted asking for input regarding the start up of a police wife support group. You can read the post here.

Just the other day, Mr. Police Man posted his comment, asking why a support group for police wives is even necessary. Here's what he had to say, I just copied and pasted from apolicewife:

Please remember when reading this that I'm asking a question and not saying anything personal!

Why the need for a support group? 1) Cuz you don't like our odd hours?
2) The fact that many cops have some sort of "friend" where they work that gives them free coffee or even cooks them dinner? That could mean a family too, not saying its an affair.

3) Don't like that we have to be in control all the time?

4) Don't like that we just want you to do what we say and not ask why?

5) That we are irretable (sp?) when we get home because no one liked us at work and we need some "cave" time (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) to decompress?

I feel that a support group will just be a gripe session.

I'm a cop, male and have a degree in Psy. Neither of these make me able to understand the desire of women to bond. But maybe I did just give you some good quesitons to talk about at your first meeting.

Take care, keep that man of yours safe!

Honestly I am somewhat surprised to hear this from Mr. Police Man (MPM). With all the talk about the brotherhood of blue or blue brotherhood of whatever it's called, it should be pretty obvious why the spouses of such folks employed in law enforcement would want their own "support group." I thought I would answer his questions here because I believe this deserves an entire post unto itself. I wouldn't be entirely surprised to hear this from a single male. However, I'm thinking that MPM is married, or at least romantically involved, considering I skimmed his site and noticed he mentioned having a child. So that surprised me.

But let's get started. In short, the answer to all those questions MPM asks is YES. But since I'm giving this comment an entire post, I might as well go into detail....

1) Cuz you don't like our odd hours?
While I may like the odd hours you are home, I don't like the odd hours when you are gone.

2) The fact that many cops have some sort of "friend" where they work that gives them free coffee or even cooks them dinner? That could mean a family too, not saying its an affair.

My husband is super, uber cautious about this one, so nope, I don't have a problem here.

3) Don't like that we have to be in control all the time?

Nope, don't like this. I married you to be on your team, not take orders. When you don't feel like you have to be in control all the time don't you notice how our family life is SO MUCH BETTER?

4) Don't like that we just want you to do what we say and not ask why?

See answer to #3. This is the kind of thing I expect from our children on a regular basis. I am not your child. If that's the kind of relationship you want with me, well... lots of things will be changing around here.

5) That we are irretable (sp?) when we get home because no one liked us at work and we need some "cave" time (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) to decompress?

Right again, MPM. I am not the one that lied to you about x, y, or z and I didn't resist arrest or hit you in a head-on collision because I was drunk so don't take your irritability out on me. You can have your cave time. I get it. I just want mine, too. And I want your cave time to actually DO something for your crappy attitude.

So like I said, the answer to all of MPM's questions are pretty much YES.

But a bigger reason why we, as cop's wives and not accountant's wives, like to seek out other LEO wives is because we have more of a chance of visiting our husband in the hospital or the morgue as a result of his job than that accountant's wife does.

I kiss my husband goodbye before his shift and say a prayer (or two or three or fifty) every day for him; that his bulletproof vest would work, that he can even get his gun out of his holster faster than the moron yanking who-knows-what out of his waistband, that his fingers won't freeze up when he has to pull the trigger before the "bad guy", that his hippie-peace-loving-civil-rights-activist coworker won't be assigned as his cover officer...

All things that my civilian wife friends hear me say but do not comprehend. All things that should be blatantly obvious to you, as a LEO, and certainly ARE to all my LEO wife friends.

And that accountant's wife?

While that accountant's wife may pray "Dear Lord, please don't let Microsoft Excel freeze up on my honey when he enters in that big number for the reimbursement request," she is certainly, in no uncertain terms, begging for the protection of the life of her dear loved one simply because she has sent him off to work. This may be a little melodramatic, but come on. Why did you spend six months at the academy if this isn't a dangerous job?

I feel that a support group will just be a gripe session.

So here, MPM, I'll take a guess that this is REALLY the problem you have with support groups. I think this is really what you were trying to say. Why get together when all you are going to do is gripe? Now on THIS, we can agree. I appreciate my LEO wife friends who can hear me complain and understand at a deeper level why this life is such a challenge. They can hear about the difficulties in our marriage, relationship, and family life without saying "I sure hope your husband can find a different job some day." (One of my dear civilian friends has told me this.) I also treasure my LEO wife friends who can still love and care for my husband when they know the dirty, dank stuff of our lives, often exacerbated by the day in, day out, CRAP my husband sees at work. That is true friendship. That's support. My LEO wife friends can say "Oh no, girl, you do NOT let him get away with that!" or "This is how we handled that..." and I know they are speaking with the voice of experience. I appreciate that. Because otherwise, MPM, you're right... it's just griping and what's the point of that?

legacy

2010-06-09T05:00:00.001-06:00

Mrs. Fuzz introduced me to NieNie at NieNieDialogues. The short version of the story is that this woman and her husband were in a plane crash, and they both survived. NieNie, however, had burns over 80% of her body. She was in a coma for three months and now continues to face reconstructive surgery.

While she was in a coma and recovering, someone started updating her blog (which she had started back in 2005) with their "favorite" posts of hers. People would write in and talk about how impacted they were by her writing and the things she said, and they would pick a favorite post. They'd mention why and then the original post was reposted.

These "looks back" are amazing. It made me think about my life. If something like that happened, would anyone be so inspired by my blog posts and want to have them be reposted? Would I handle my situation with such grace? I'm not looking for a huge money-making, inspiring blog, but I am looking for a REAL life.

It made me wonder, what kind of legacy am I leaving? Will my kids remember how I yelled at them too much, and didn't say "I love you" enough? Will they remember that I never let them stop to smell the flowers or collect bugs on our walks because I was more concerned with burning more calories on a faster paced walk? The list is long. And while we are all doing our best with what we have on a given day, I know that sometimes I could simply make a different choice and life would be that much sweeter. It might cost me some calorie-burning or a few extra minutes before leaving the house, but in the long run, I will be building the kind of legacy I will be proud of. Let's see if I can do it.

If only we were all this honest...

2010-06-05T10:56:00.000-06:00

Seeing as so many of us either visit, or hear about visits to court quite a bit, this was an entertaining item I read this morning:

Thanks goes to Abraham Piper of 22 Words.

Happiness 101

2010-06-03T16:44:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Fuzz has gifted me with the Happiness 101 Award that is making the rounds these days. Thanks, Mrs. Fuzz! Here are 101 things that make me happy. JUST KIDDING. I'm only sharing 10 things.

A quiet, hot, long MORNING shower (if you've been reading this very long you probably already know this one!)
A hot beverage ritual ~ walking to my favorite local shop for something hot or taking the time to prepare it at home in a certain way... anything works. They all make me happy!
A clean house (no wonder I'm unhappy these days)
A new location of my favorite local grocery store opening three blocks from my house NEXT WEEK!!
A good deal. Actually, a GREAT deal.
My children (usually)
Any kind of discovery; like a fun bakery, a neat treat, a great deal, an unusual spider web, a unique collection of things. In this way, I was made to be a mom. I can marvel over the smallest things and take joy in them along with my kids. My husband is, well, not so much like this. :) That's why I'm the mom and he isn't.
Baking. Well actually, eating the things I baked. But baking. NOT cooking.
Books. Books, books, books. Can hardly climb into bed for all the books littering the floor on my side. Can I get a shout out for your local library and paperbackswap?!?!!?
My bed. Oh, my dear, dear, sweet bed. There's nothing like it.

I want to hear from YOU ~ what makes YOU happy these days?? Share in the comments or give us your 10 on your own Happiness 101 post.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T12:14:00.000-06:00

Today I could write about how we had a fabulous, fabulous time at the little's first birthday party this weekend. I could tell you about the tasty food my family (and Costco) helped me prepare, like the Black Bean, Corn, and Rice salad (with help from this recipe here) or the Pasta Salad with the fabulous Newman's Own dressing or the loaves and loaves of bread my friend brought for make-your-own sandwiches, or the awesome awesome guacamole my mom made, or the crowning jewel, the apple carrot "cupcakes" (muffins) I made peanut, dairy, and oil free with the recipe from Bob's Red Mill...

I could tell you about the new bikes, bike helmets, and beautiful beautiful quilt my mom made for Dallas' first birthday. But instead, I'd like to remind all of you (who in all likelihood need no reminding) that today is Memorial Day. There's a reason people are pushing to have the day moved to the middle of the week, so it's not just a day about bbqs and homemade ice cream and the first day at the beach (for the brave ones on either coast). It's to remember. To be grateful. Grateful to our veterans, the families of the veterans, the wounded, the weary, the deceased, the active, and the families of all these who sacrifice day in and day out. Many of you understand in an intimate way these sacrifices as some of the sacrifices are similar to those in the LEO life. But we will never truly know until we walk in those shoes, which truly can never happen.

Instead we can be grateful. Grateful that we can speak badly about politicians and those in office, doing their best (or not) to lead us. Grateful that we can read the Bible or the Qu'ran or the Book of Mormon or attend "The Church of the Inner Spring" (as in bedspring) on a Sunday morning. We have so much choice, and so much freedom, and it was bought and paid for with a price. At times, a very, very high price.

Let's remember.

Is it possible...?

2010-05-26T23:52:00.000-06:00

Is it possible to get bloated on cough drops and hot tea? It sure feels like it. I weathered the H1N1 storm at our house without a scrape, my kids have gotten sick multiple times and I've escaped unscathed. However, this week, during the busiest week of the school year, family in town, and a big birthday bash to pull off... I got hit. I'm sick. I feel like a truck ran over me and backed up on top of me. How is that possible?

SouthLAnd!

2010-05-20T00:05:00.000-06:00

Taking a moment out of my crazy month of May to let you know that The Dispatcher and Her Officer have a SouthLAnd contest running that ends on Thursday, May 20. Go check it out and get to followin' them if you don't already!

Wow, it sure is quiet!

2010-05-12T14:50:00.000-06:00

I mentioned in my last post it is pretty busy around here. It is, but I also feel pretty empty inside. I don't know if I can describe it. I'm not necessarily lonely or depressed or hungry (all versions of "empty") but there is something missing. I think it might be the case that I am so overwhelmed and not keeping up very well with what's going on in my life that I get that "deer in the headlights" feeling, everything leaves my head and I am completely totally out of it. lame. I know.

As I've mentioned before, we live quite near to dh's place of work. So this week has been kind of exciting in that every time I hear the news helicopters outside our window (or should I say "above") I flip through all the news channels and start combing twitter to find out what's going on. Every time, I've found something on the news and once that segment is over the chopper flies away. Talk about noise pollution!! The other day I had to have the TV volume turned All. The. Way. Up. so that I could hear it over the noise of the chopper! Sheesh!

So, nothing else exciting going on around here, and thankfully the news -- as usual -- has made mountains out of molehills so that makes me a happy wife. DH is scheduled for a good amount of OT coming up and I'm busy getting ready for all the family coming to town, open house, and the big 1st bday party for baby Dallas. Very exciting, although gotta get rid of my deer-in-the-headlights issues! :)

Somebody's turning one!

2010-05-07T10:14:00.000-06:00

Today is Friday, and usually the kids (older ones) have gymnastics but the gym is under construction! boohiss!

So instead I'll be burying my head in the sand over all the things I should be doing and going to get some retail therapy in. We'll hit Costco (for the second time this week) for printer ink and photos for the birthday party. I'll hit at least one "party" store to check for zoo animal themed plates and all that fun stuff. I have a second one in mind, too, (some sort of $1 Store) in case the first doesn't have quite what I want. My mom found some great ones online but the frugal shopper in me wants to check around town first to see if I can find something cheaper and still cute. Maybe we'll also hit Target with my collection of coupons. And if we can get everyone to nap early enough maybe we'll also hit the zoo or another museum in town later in the afternoon.

This month is HUGELY busy for us. The end of school with a big open house, family from all over coming into town, the Big Birthday Party, and craziness at DH's work (translate: hellacious overtime)... If you've read back over my previous posts (from a year ago!) you know that our baby has not been the easiest baby ever. He is delightfully hilarious now (although still quirky) but friends!!!! I am buying champagne and toasting all my friends and family at the big party for enduring the first year with me.

Now if I could just kick the weepiness out the window...

Weepiness

2010-05-05T23:14:00.000-06:00

Sorry, folks, I'm just not done talking about my weepiness. I'll get over it eventually, I'm sure, but for now I'm still chugging along.

Last week (as you know if you read my previous post) had a big hitter on the end of it. But before that happened, I was really hit over the head with a giant realization that I try to control all sorts of things that really are NOT for me to control. I order around my children, I take care of all sorts of things, and as police wives (or any kind of married single mom!) we are "in charge" more than we are not. I spoke with a mom of eight kids (ranging in age from two to 24 years old) last weekend whose husband is no longer working as a cop. She said one of the big transitions for them has been that she is so used to "doing it all alone" that now with her husband home, they run into issues where he wants to participate in life but she excludes him without thinking about it.

Wonder if that day will ever come at our house!

In the "big excitement" category, I got in touch with DH while he was on duty recently and asked him if he needed anything at Costco since I was there. He flipped out saying "There was just a high-speed chase over there! You should be glad you weren't in the middle of it!"

At least I know to pull to the right and yield to emergency vehicles if I had been!

And so it goes...

2010-05-01T00:10:00.000-06:00

I've been pretty weepy lately. It could be a million things but it's made it a little hard to blog about much lately. You'd either get the totally horrendous version of me or the very hilarious version of me. And neither are really the truth right now. So, you're getting nothing'. ;)

But on my mind (and conveniently I can type about this because I'm procrastinating on the billion other things I'm supposed to be doing to prep for tomorrow) is yesterday. Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my dad's death. I remember that first year after he died. The milestones hung out like huge boulders signifying another day walked without him. I counted 7 days -- one week. Four weeks -- one month. Two months. Three months. One year. I didn't think I could take it. I couldn't even imagine my life five years out. But 13? Never in a million years could I imagine myself here, now, with so much less pain than I felt then.

It used to be that I would count the days until the next milestone. I would flip the calendar to "April" and think about the slightly-less-than-four weeks I had to mentally prepare myself for the Big Day. This time I gave it a few fleeting thoughts as I knew it was "APRIL" but for some reason I got slapped in the face with the actual date mid-morning. I hate when I do that. I really prefer it when I go to sleep remembering that tomorrow is the day and I can wake up prepared to not be sucker-punched in the gut because I've pushed it to the back of my mind.

That first Big Day I took the day off work. I tentatively called a few family members, making small talk and asking eventually "Are you OK today?" dripping with the heaviest of implications. Each one knew exactly why I had called and answered in their own way. My dumb brother -- did he actually say "yeah, whatever"? I can't remember but it was something equally noncommittal, if it wasn't that. Then again, what do you expect from a 14-year-old? I stopped by my favorite ice cream shop (couldn't actually hit Baskin-Robbins, Dad, sorry!) and took my journal to one of my favorite gardens waaay up the hill. I found a secluded spot; I sat and cried and looked out across the great expanse and had our little chat. Don't worry, I don't really talk to dead people but it made me feel better. :) Years later my future husband proposed to me near that same park. It's a special place.

Year Five it worked out so that I was together with my mom. We went to a special old-time family spot, enjoying the view and specifically remembering Dad. It was sweet, and it was huge.

Now my mom is remarried. I'm married. I have kids. I have this list of things I've accomplished that he wasn't here to share in. Life is different and other interesting people, things, and hobbies have come to fill in the empty gash that he left; a gash of varied shape but that each of us in the family has in some way. I read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis a million times. I've searched the sadness of my memories and cry any time someone else tells me they have lost a dear one to death. It doesn't matter if I know the deceased, but somehow my tender heart can mourn with them.

I wouldn't be like that if I hadn't lost my dad -- and eventually both grandfathers, an uncle, two cousins, and a few friends -- in rapid succession. Who are you? How did you become who you are? Are you soft and tender-hearted? (Even under that tough guy, rugged shell?) Do you know without a doubt that the important people in your life KNOW they are important? Are you "ready to go"? Just because you're ready doesn't mean you will actually, um, kick the bucket. It's just called "being prepared." Do you go in to a gun battle without preparation? I don't think so.

The only thing that's certain in life is death. Do you live without regret? We mostly live as though life is certain and death is uncertain, but that's completely wrong. It will be much more difficult to forgive or reconcile or truly live if one of the involved parties is... dead. I know I'm being extremely blunt but it's true. If there is one gift you can give yourself, this can be it. Do you know how freeing this can be to know that you did the right thing when time was up? You can call your mom THIS SECOND and tell her how much you appreciate her. Yeah, she's your mom and maybe she did kind of screw you up but she gave birth to you and cared for you in ways which you cannot comprehend. Or go call someone else. Write a note. Skip the email, write it in your own chicken scratch. Your mom/dad/aunt/uncle/cousin/friend/grandparent/super friend will thank you.

Did you already miss your chance to make it right with someone who is now gone? Well, buck up, my friend. Know that you can move forward and have a choice -- you can make the same mistake twice (or three times or four times) or you can work more diligently to get it right this time.

Did you hear the news?

2010-04-26T22:46:00.000-06:00

It's Baaaaaaack!

Southland, that is. :) TNT just renewed it for 10 episodes in it's third season, to begin airing January 2011. I'm SO EXCITED!! I can't believe I have to wait that long. Maybe I will have to be content with watching Southland: The Complete First Season (Uncensored) for now.

BTW in the article it said that the median age for viewers of this show is 47. FORTY-SEVEN?! Oh my. I'm aging before my very eyes.

And once again, YAY!

And you just thought you were having a bad day!

2010-04-24T09:01:00.001-06:00

I received this via ~~spam~~ email from a friend today. Annoyingly spamalicious but so true, how could I not share it with you?

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon, the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way." I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it."

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Now, the thing my friend passed along had this preachy "moral of the story" thing at the end. While it was all true, I think more valuable would be YOUR interpretation of how you need to reframe your thinking about something in your life. I know I sure need to do that!!

Have a great weekend, folks.

THAT was anticlimactic!

2010-04-23T23:28:00.000-06:00

Guess what? This is my 101st post. I thought I was supposed to have a cocktail party or big celebration when I hit 100 posts! Well, it's come and gone. Just thought I'd announce that.

There has been a spate of reality wedding shows on TV lately. I'm guessing it's because the spring/summer wedding rush is coming up. So I'm taking a poll. Most of you are married or considering gettin' hitched, so you tell me ~ how much did you spend on "The Dress" for your wedding?

I paid around $500 I think. I CANNOT believe I paid that much money! I'm embarrassed to even say it. If I had more than nine weeks to shop I'm sure I could have done better. One of my favorite pastimes is getting a great deal. I would not spend $3,300 or even $14,000, but am I a weirdo? How much did (or would) you spend on your dress?

No more free ride

2010-04-22T09:06:00.000-06:00

Do you or your police officer use an employer-paid cell phone, pager, or computer? Think again about sending those racy messages!!

The Supreme Court appears likely to rule against public employees who claimed a local government violated their privacy by reading racy text messages they sent on their employers’ account.

Even though officers were told informally that "no one would look further if officers personally paid for charges above a monthly allowance," written policy stated the opposite. "The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco said the informal policy was enough to give the officers a “reasonable expectation of privacy” in their text messages and establish that their constitutional rights had been violated."

The Obama Administration sides with the Ontario, CA police department, and it appears as though the Supreme Court will concur. I'm wondering how screwed those officers are that sent the questionable messages.

Read the whole thing on PoliceLink.

The Confessional

2010-04-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

Y'all know that I have three kids, ages 5, 3, and 11 months. Recently we were at a nearby park because I couldn't take it any longer with all of us at home. I struck up a conversation with another mom who brought a young baby (6 months old) to the swings where Dallas and I were hanging out. Boy! What is it about the park and moms?

I got the whole life story from this mom, including how she met her husband, what she does for a living, what they plan to do about work and childcare, and details about all her infertility struggles and her IVF treatments. I'm opposed to IVF but it was not the time to get into it with this person I don't even know. (Nor is it the place here.) When she asked, I told her my husband works in "business services" and that seemed to appease her. Better than my usual preferred response of "garbage collector."

What is it about the park? It's like a mommy confessional. This is not the first time this has happened to me, either.

Spring Cleaning

2010-04-15T22:43:00.001-06:00

Anyone else getting a little overwhelmed with the posts about spring cleaning and decluttering and feeling so great about your beautiful space in which you live? ugh! One or two of the posts would be great, and motivational, but I've about had it.

I think spring cleaning and decluttering are awesome. Admirable. Wonderful ways to simplify your life. But in the midst of an already overwhelmed life, a tiny apartment, five people to care for, and nowhere to put the stuff I'm spring cleaning, this is absolutely making me crazy.

But I am tired of it, you know? I'm tired of the clutter. I'm tired of feeling like my day is ruined from the moment I wake up because there is so much crap everywhere. I hate crap. I also hate all the stuff that is weighing me down. So, I decided to do something about it. Tonight, as I was making breakfast for dinner and the spatula started falling off the counter because there was NO PLACE TO PUT IT, I "spring cleaned" one of the kitchen counters. You can do what I did in five minutes, just like me! :) My one kitchen counter started out like this:

See, there's that pesky spatula I was using to flip the pancakes for dinner. Between flips, it quickly came to look like this:

And you can do it too. It's easy. Just do this:

I put away a few things as I went along but mostly it all got tossed into the bag. I'm going to quickly -- QUICKLY -- go through it and bless someone else with it, toss it, or hmm.... keep it? That sounds totally unappealing. :O

So what's your secret spring cleaning weapon??

Reflections on my contributions

2010-04-15T05:00:00.000-06:00

I think it's great to understand what a contribution I am making to the blog world. I love it that people can use google and find my blog useful for things like:

corsets
This was simply for my post about tactical corsets, nothing exciting here. Move along, folks.

diapers paralyzed
None of my three children have been paralyzed by the wearing of diapers yet.

handcuffed and loving it
I'm definitely handcuffed to my lawman and we've thrown away the key. I would not say I'm always "loving it" but it does have it's good moments. :) You can also read this to find out what you should know about using handcuffs.

happy easter capitalized
Well, if you wanted it capitalized you probably should have typed it in the search box that way.

someone's novelty worn off, what does it mean?
Ok, I'm just speechless on this one folks.

I crashed the car

2010-04-14T22:40:00.000-06:00

Ok, I didn't *exactly* crash the car but I was so distracted by other things going on in the parking garage (missing fire extinguisher boxes, for example) that as I backed out of the parking space I did a nice loud, messy, dirty scrape of the car fender on the wall. oh dear.

Props out to my husband dearest who did not, in fact, rip me up one side and down the other when I told him about defacing his car. It only took me two days to get up the courage to actually tell him and then when he reacted so well it was an even bigger relief. A few days later he was recounting the story to his coworkers, and he got two differing reactions. #1: horrified. This from the officer who bought his wife some fancy schmancy car -- he's a car freak -- and a special bra to go over the front bumper. #2: horrified. This from a female officer who wanted to know how mean he was to me about it, especially after how angry he was over the last 'big thing' I did. I then asked if he told them about how I cried. "What?!!? You weren't crying!!" he says. "That's what you think. I left the room because I knew you'd get irritated." Well he was irritated when he found *that* out ~ and he has a point: I cry when he's mean and angry, and I cry when he's nice and calm. "I can't win for losing!" he tells me. I like the nice and calm crying waaay better, though. :) Never a dull moment and glad to know I continue to provide great coworker story fodder for DH.

The days of the week DH works have shifted, although he's still working swings. I realized that now there are at least two days of the week that most likely the kids will not see dad. That's a bummer. I don't think we really thought that one out. I hadn't really seen DH since Monday when this morning (Wed) around 4:30 AM the baby woke up and I realized that I had a man sleeping in the bed with me. Oh!! That's my husband!! So nice to see you, dear. I rolled over and patted him on the way to get Dallas... And that was the last I "heard" from him until this afternoon when he got up to go to work. This swing shift stuff sucks. That moment of patting his back (or was it his belly? his arm? I was so asleep I have no idea) was almost an act of desperation. It was so very, very necessary for me to touch him and know that he was home and safe and with me. Albeit a very, very sleepy me.

That's the kind of thing I can't explain to some of my friends. They just don't get it. Intellectually they can understand what it's like, but there is no explaining the crazy thoughts and weird desperate oddities that seep out of my heart and my mind and wash over the whole of my life and our family. To say he should "find another job" in light of the sacrifices we each make as individuals and as a family diminishes the work he does. But there are those who think it, and say it, and may they change their mind the first time they actually, desperately need his assistance on duty.

What to do on a rainy day?

2010-04-12T12:05:00.000-06:00

Build a fort, of course. And finish off that pint of ice cream. Just kidding, I've been restraining myself.

Happy Monday!

You know there's drama when...

2010-04-09T23:53:00.000-06:00

All I will say is, how do you think I deal with my stress? I'll give you a hint. I'm the proud owner of a (half eaten) half-pound gourmet brownie and three cartons of ice cream. Yeah, yeah, I know... I fell for the "buy three get $3 off" trick. It sounded so cheap and like such a good idea at the time. Why will my stomach and waist never, ever, ever thank me for saving that kind of money?? Thankfully they are not all half gallons. Or is that 1.25 gallons these days? Whatever. (The two pints: Starbucks Java chip, Ben&Jerry's Cookies & Milk)

So, in answer to my own question: You know there's drama when this mama stocks the junk food pile. sigh.

Update

2010-04-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

Hello!

We had a great Easter, I hope you did as well. Yummy food, family, eggs, and stories about why we celebrate Easter. It all came to a stinky end yesterday; as such I'll be spending more time with family and working through some things for a while. Not that I've been a hugely prolific blogger of late ~ I'm just warning you, I may be even less prolific in the coming days.

Stay safe, friends!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-02T17:36:00.001-06:00

So happy to report that we're not divorced yet!

There was a major "Discussion" yesterday and DH went off to work red in the face and steam coming out his ears. (You know when the word "Discussion" is capitalized AND put in quotes that at least one person in said "Discussion" is going to leave with the whole red face/steaming ears bit. But I digress!) I hate it when he goes off like that, especially to work ('cuz as we all know, what if he comes home in a box instead?!?!) but it was somewhat unavoidable yesterday. I did the best I could to put a patch on it, and ~~worried prayed worried prayed~~ stayed up all night long (also known as 1 AM to this early-night momma). When I finally came to my sense around 4:30 AM he was home safe and sound, without any steam or redness. I asked him "So do you forgive me for forgetting to do that thing you told me to do last week?" There was a bit of discussion, but that was that. So thankful. My tiny misdeed (and really, it was tiny but had far reaching complications), although really really annoying and frustrating to DH (and he was half an hour late to work because of it), provided some great ~~water cooler~~ report writing room fodder and many laughs and giggles for his fellow officers. Glad to be of service, folks.

Now on to the excitement. Happy Easter, one and all. If you celebrate the original meaning behind the whole shebang, He is risen! If not, go eat a chocolate bunny for me. Best of all, as Dispatcher says over at The Dispatcher and The Officer, hug your family and love on them!

So that's how it feels?

2010-03-31T23:13:00.000-06:00

This past week we went to TWO separate events as a whole, entire family. DH dragged himself out of bed three hours earlier than normal to hang out with us and some long time friends. I honestly did not think it was going to happen. I hoped he would come, but I had really resigned myself to not caring. Then he came (half an hour late), but was there nonetheless. Maybe because I had no expectations, it actually worked out and I enjoyed it??

The other event was a family event, which usually he shows up at physically but is mentally checked out or sleeping off his most recent shift at work. He actually got it together to be "present" this time around. At this second event, I actually thought to myself "So this is what it feels like!"

But not for long. I'll be heading out to a big party this weekend with the kids while DH is at work. Such is the single life of the LEO wife...

joys, fears, goals, and obsessions

2010-03-27T17:13:00.000-06:00

First, thanks to those of you who have stopped by from Friday Follow. It's been fun to visit and "meet" some new folks in the blog world.

I've been tagged by Mrs. Fuzz to list three joys, fears, goals, and obsessions. Maybe future posts will discuss some of these, because some of them could use some explanation. :) Here goes:

Joys
1. Getting a decent afternoon nap
2. A long hot shower in the morning
3. Summer's long twilight

Fears
1. Forgetting myself completely in motherhood, and having more kids to make that motherhood last "longer" (although.... once a mother, always a mother!)
2. My mom "kicking the bucket" earlier rather than later
3. Ruining my children

Goals
1. Move from our current living situation
2. Get back to my pre-pregnancies (yes, all of them) weight
3. Run a half marathon at some point in my life

Obsessions
1. Coffee, Scones, and Baking (yes, they are all capitalized on purpose)
2. Getting an awesome (or free!) deal on nice stuff (Dollar Store doesn't count, although I do like that place)
3. The crockpot

I'm supposed to tag SIX people. Please share your "three!"
1. Cop Mama
2. Rebecca at The Blessings of Modern Domestication
3. The Dispatcher at The Dispatcher and Her Officer
4. MonicaLnP at Loud & Proud Monica
5. Steadfast Ahoy
6. TM at The Sun is Always Blue

Friday Follow

2010-03-25T22:53:00.000-06:00

My dad's not such a great cop, after all

2010-03-25T18:52:00.000-06:00

We had a unique experience recently which has really made me feel the gamut of emotions. One afternoon I was out walking with Charlotte and Dallas, just enjoying the sights and sounds of our urban neighborhood. We stopped in at the local grocery store and at one point Charlotte says "Mom! Mom! Your phone!" She could hear it ringing perfectly because I carry it in my pocket and her ear is about (mommy) pocket height. I fished it out of my pocket and just missed the call from my husband as it went to voicemail. As I was getting ready to call him back, I noticed that this was my second missed call within minutes from him. When I called back and he answered, this is how the conversation went:

DH [angry tone]: What took you so long to answer the phone?!!?
me: I'm at the grocery store and it's noisy so I couldn't hear the phone. Charlotte heard it ringing in my pocket.
DH: [Our neighbor] just got robbed in the garage.
me: What?
DH: Yeah, Austin and I are driving around looking for him. [He proceeded to give me a description of the person.] If you see him, call me. And BE CAREFUL!

The whole way home I was very aware ~ I usually am but this afternoon my senses were heightened. For the record, I'm pretty sure I didn't see the suspect. When I got home, I waited anxiously for DH and Austin to come home to hear the whole story. Evidently this guy was just hanging out waiting IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm so proud of our neighbor because she actually gave up a fight and tried to get away from him, although she was unsuccessful.

The horrible thing is that DH was home the entire time that this happened, and he wishes to high heaven he could have prevented it. Thankfully our neighbor has a really good attitude about it; DH said she was so calm when he was talking to her that at first he wasn't actually comprehending what she was telling him had happened. I'm also thankful that it didn't happen to me when I have all the kids in tow, and have now vowed to never ever go gallavanting around with my entire wallet but instead just the minimal things I need for whatever my errands are. DH has renewed his campaign to keep us chained safely inside except for absolutely required trips. I'm renewing my campaign to bring some balance to his perspective.

This "inability to prevent" this incident reminds me of a story from the life of my uncle the cop. (Have I told this story before? I'm having deja vu.) Evidently my young cousin left his bike out in front of their garage, where it promptly got stolen. (To be fair, I think it was over near the garbage bins so someone could have "guessed" it was available for, ahem, "free.") When they realized that the bicycle had been stolen, my cousin was heard saying "My dad must not be a very good cop because he couldn't even keep my bike from getting stolen."

Mama Guilt Monday

2010-03-21T07:50:00.000-06:00

CopMama has a new look for MGM and she even has started a little prompt for you if you're not able to recall any of your feelings of terrible, horrible guilt. This week's prompt is "Tell us about a time you did something absent minded as a Mom!"

Well that's easy, I just did this last week!

My daughter has milk and peanut allergies. I recently noticed/realized that there are yogurts made from coconut milk and rice milk which she could eat. (I try to stay away from the soy milk based stuff.) I don't know why I didn't realize this earlier; maybe I was just in denial about actually paying $1.50 a carton for yogurt. But let me tell you, since she's started eating it and loving it so much, I feel a little guilty about having put her off for so long. Anyway, I digress...

The grocery store within walking distance to our house carries three flavors of this yogurt, and at a ridiculous price. I would buy one each time we went and make her split it into two servings. There is another grocery store that carries this and many, many other flavors and brands that is near to our house, but not walking distance and completely out of the way from most of the places we go... not to mention it is 40-60 cents cheaper per carton! I'd been telling my daughter for three days in a row that we could go and buy "her" yogurt at this store. Finally, all the stars aligned. Everyone was awake at a proper time and we could pile in the car and go buy "her" yogurt. We were ready to hit the road.

Socks and shoes times four?
check.
Jackets times four?
check.
Wallet?
check.
Baby in car seat?
check.
Baby toys in car seat?
check.
Coupons?
check.
And as I shut the (already locked) door...
Keys?
NO!

Charlotte quickly volunteered to go back and get the keys. I played along and said "OK" but she couldn't get in the door. So she asked me to unlock the door. It was kind of a crack up watching her process what was going on.

So there we were, the baby packed in his car seat, me with just my wallet and coupons -- of course this was one of the few times I didn't bring my entire mom-backpack full of tricks. I would have been ok with the whole fiasco if I had a stroller or an ergo (a babywearing carrier) for Dallas but all I had was the monster car seat which I would NOT be carrying anywhere. I spent a few minutes trying to break in to our door, but I'll be keeping my day job and not converting to a burglar any time soon. I also tried the window (which DH has used in the past to break in) but no such luck. I started calling both my husband's cell phone and our home phone. Of course, being that it's the middle of the day, and he works in the middle of the night, what do you think he was in the middle of doing?!!? That's right! Sleeping with all the ringers turned off. :O

So we spent about half an hour playing in the garden, and although my girl was a bit disappointed with missing her trip for "her" yogurt, we had fun in the backyard and no one was the worse for wear. (Except for this mama, who felt pretty guilty!) The husband woke up after a while and let us in, and we had success in our excursion the following day. yay!

It's official

2010-03-20T22:14:00.000-06:00

Some of you have voted on what shift you would choose, and of course 10-hour weekday shifts won out over 12-hour weekend shifts. Days/Graves/Swings was not such a landslide, but I am happy to report that my husband's turn to sign up has come and gone. The decision making was much, much more difficult than times past because they have totally changed the shift days and times, and it was pretty complicated because the team members and supervisors can have a huge impact on how well or terrible a day at work goes. So we'll be in for at least 6 more months of swing shift. I'm getting used to it, so it should be OK. I hope.

On a side note, the young person I mentioned is my previous post is still alive! I'm glad that the mom was able to come and be here. The human body is pretty amazing.

Not sure what to think

2010-03-19T17:43:00.000-06:00

My husband had a long case last night which may end up in a young person dying (or living as a vegetable) as a result of their own poor choices. The young person's mom was flying in from her home town. It was kind of a mess (in terms of police/fire response) so when my husband finally got to the hospital and asked the doctor the status of the patient, she responded with "critical." When my husband asked for clarification the doctor said something to the effect that even IF the patient "makes it," it will be with a life as a vegetable.

DON'T BE STUPID, PEOPLE!

I don't know this young person, but as a young'un my assumption is "Your whole life was ahead of you, and now you've thrown it away!"

My husband had mostly negative things to say about this person throwing away their life, quelled a bit by the story of the mom coming to, quite possibly, watch her child die. But not for long. He quickly went back to his feelings of contempt for this person's poor choices. I'm in the other camp. I'm a little more compassionate. I wonder what made this person feel like these were good choices to make. Was there hopelessness involved? The loss of a significant other? Sheer stupidity at wanting to have a good time?

I will never know. No matter what, there is a hurting family out there right now. And I'm not sure what to think.

It's such a little thing...

2010-03-17T11:10:00.000-06:00

We have a problem at our house. Actually,we have a lot of problems that all make one big problem but I'm just going to focus on ONE problem today. I'll give you a little background if you haven't heard before...

We are a family of five (mom, dad, 5 y/o, 3 y/o, and 10 mo) that live in a small, 725 sq ft apartment. This would probably be OK, but not necessarily preferable, if the mom (me) and dad (DH) had not BOTH been the roommates "with all the stuff" when we got married. We had two couches, two arm chairs, two kitchen tables, and a rocking chair. Three crockpots. Two rice cookers (and we received a third as a wedding present). You get the idea. :) So we've spent the last 6.5 years getting rid of just-enough-stuff so that we can still live a crammed life in this tiny apartment (did I mention neither one of us have an easy time getting rid of "stuff"?). Anyhow, we have lots of stuff.

I'm realizing that this really, really negatively impacts our mental health, and I work really hard to keep up with the little things -- like dishes and dirty clothes -- but that leaves a lot of room for all the other messes to proliferate. Right now Dallas (the 10 month old) screams for an hour or two at a time in the middle of the night so it is not the time to put him in the bedroom with the older two kids. He sleeps in the living room, which is open to the kitchen. The other night DH cooked up a pizza, put it on the cutting board, and brought it to our room to eat when I put Dallas to bed in the living room. No big deal, right?

Three days later, where do you think the cutting board was?

That's right. NOT washed. Not even in the kitchen. It was over on top of the dirty clothes basket in our room, *naturally*! That is exactly where *I* put dirty dishes TO BE WASHED. Right next to the dirty clothes to be washed. I mean, it makes perfect sense to me!

I don't really remember how long it stayed there -- because I sure as heck was not going to move it -- but it was definitely three days, maybe five or six. After which time, it migrated! It moved to the kitchen, where it magically (wait for it people!!) SAT UNWASHED for another five days.

By this time, I'm mad. I'm angry. There is no "yes mom" woman to be found anywhere. I long ago decided I was going to just wait and see how long it took before my husband washed it. And one day as I'm fuming about how inconvenient it is that the very largest of our cutting boards is dirty, unusable, and taking up valuable kitchen counter space, I thought to myself "It's such a little thing, I can't understand why he doesn't just clean up after himself!" And it all went downhill from there, you know how your mind jumps from one thing to the next to the next and all of a sudden we're getting a divorce (in my head) because he won't wash his cutting board!

Needless to say this habit of mine is totally unhealthy. So it's a good thing that I had a startling revelation. If it's such a "little thing" to wash his cutting board, why couldn't I do it for him? Why couldn't I remind him to wash his own cutting board? In fairness, his claim about why he doesn't often wash his dishes is that he doesn't realize he has left them. This is completely unimaginable to me because I don't know what he thinks he eats his food off of, but it's his excuse nonetheless. And he also claims that if I would remind -- or even ask -- him to wash his dishes, he would be happy to do it.

But the thing is, I don't WANT to remind him. I spend all day long telling (making) three little people do my bidding, behave, and grow into responsible people (who will sure as heck wash their own dishes and throw out their own trash!) and I don't want to add him to my list of children; I want him to be my husband.

So, what happened? I washed the dumb cutting board. I threw away his trash. I washed his pan he cooked his eggs in. If it's such a "small thing" why can't I just do it for him?

How 'bout you? How do you show love to your mate and kids? Do you have to struggle first (like me??) before you do what you don't "have" to do to love them?

Go love someone today.

Southland Tuesday!

2010-03-16T11:04:00.000-06:00

Today is another episode of Southland. Yes! Unfortunately because of the current situation at our house, I usually have to DVR the episode and get back to it at another time. At any rate, I just found a link to a blog post by Ben McKenzie about tonight's episode. Read the article (spoiler alert!!) on TV Guide here.

The first paragraph, however, doesn't spoil anything, where Ben talks about why he'll be going solo in tonight's episode. He makes a point of saying "The LAPD always partners up patrol cops, except for the sergeants (who act more as supervisors than first-responders)." Here's Southland taking poetic license, however, by putting Officer Sherman out on his own. I hope this is not the beginning of the end of a good show ~ you know, this is the first deviance from "true" life as a cop and then it all goes downhill from there?? It's plausible, obviously, since many departments go solo. We'll just see.

I also heard some "bad" news about Southland: they haven't started filming any new episodes beyond the ones that NBC did. So let's get with it, TNT! Southland Forever! ha ha that reminds me of a yearbook signing.

Can I get an amen?

2010-03-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

If you leave a message on my answering machine and I do not know you, yet you want me to call you back, YOU BETTER LEAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

Sorry, y'all, the "Yes Mama" is taking a beating today, just had to get that off my chest.

Drinking Kool-Aid, Beer, and Shopping!

2010-03-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

There's been lots on my mind lately. In order to get it cleaned out a bit, I am sharing some random bits with you ~ you'll be rewarded because I'm saving the best for last on this post!

I'm sipping a Mission St. Blonde Ale right now. LOVIN' IT! :)

Along with my Blonde Ale, I'm shopping for diapers at diapers.com. I see that diapers.com has begun selling their own brand of diapers. I'm trying to decide if I should order them for Dallas, and what size. I'm reading the reviews and holy hot dogs!!! I can't believe how many people are passionate about the designs on the diapers their kids wear and when/if the designs show through their clothes. Here's a NEWSFLASH, moms and dads! We all know that your precious bundle is wearing a diaper, whether or not we can see the designs. I love diapers.com for their customer service, amazingly fast, free shipping (free on orders over $49), AND my boxes of goodies are lugged to my front door by someone else! (BTW if I have convinced you to order from diapers.com ~ use my email address on your first order for $10 off! handcuffed.heart@yahoo.com)

If you're a mom, you know what it means to work hard when you have young kids ~ even if that "work" doesn't bring about anything particularly tangible at the end of the day. If you're a LEO wife with kids (especially those small ones!), not only are you working hard as a mom, you are also working long, odd hours "alone," and that's just the tip of the iceberg for us. For a while now -- actually, since Dallas was born 10 months ago -- I've watched myself get more and more frustrated, "stressed out" (whatever that means), and the biggest, visible change: I'm angry. I have a short fuse. I want my kids to behave, obey, and I want them to do it right away. Sometimes unreasonably so. While obedience is an important trait to groom in children (for it's far reaching effects in many other ways), being unreasonable about expecting their obedience is not helpful. This is not atypical for police parents -- you work all day expecting people to give you what you want, when you want, and comply PERIOD -- so this expectation trickles down to home life as well. I'm not the police parent in our family, but I've definitely been creeping towards the unreasonable end of the spectrum over the last 10 months. I don't remember EVER yelling this much in my entire life, if ever. (I'm the one always telling my husband to pipe down when we're arguing. I don't "do" yelling during fights!) Quite simply, I do not like who I have become as a mom of three.

I've really been struggling with this lately. I miss my old life. I miss being single, wearing my cute, small(er) sized clothes and shoes, working at a job that has a tangible product produced at the end of the day... I miss going to bed and waking up whenever I feel like it. I miss hanging out with my friends and going to fancy restaurants without a bunch of hullabaloo of schedule coordinating and babysitter arrangements. And when I think about how much I dislike who I have become, I miss all these things even more. Then I remember that it wasn't all a bed of roses back then, either!

So what's a girl to do?? While I miss my old life, it doesn't mean I necessarily dislike my current life. My life is challenging now, but they are different challenges than those I experienced "PK" (pre-kids). I'm being required to grow and change and stretch in ways I never was PK. I have three adorable children who worship and love me (yes, I know this will change soon enough).

So I've decided I want to drink the Kool-Aid. I want to be a "yes" woman. What am I talking about, you ask?? The longer my husband is at his department the more officers he sees promote and "drink the Kool-Aid." They become "yes" men (or women) and the things that they formerly railed against, they begin siding with the brass on. What's wrong with me doing the same? Every time my child asks for something, I want to say "yes." I'm slowing relegating Mean Momma to the netherworld and saying YES. Don't misunderstand: I will still be one of the strictest mommas I know; I have my limits. I have boundaries, expectations, and hopefully patience. Being a YES woman is a state of mind. Stuck in line at Costco (like tonight)? It sure went a lot faster because I was playing with and chatting with the three kids and not so incredibly angry (like I wanted to be!) that the checker was incompetent, slow, and chatty with his coworkers. The kids want to eat breakfast in bed? Ok, YES, we will pick ONE DAY this week when you can do that ~ we will plan the (non-messy) menu and look forward to it all week. Everyone's happy! I said yes but I have my limits. :)

I don't want these precious, precious years with my little ones to slip by while I'm mired in anger, impatience, and totally depressed about my "horrible" life. I want to treasure what I have, while I have it. I hope you will join me and say "YES" with me.

The Ultimate Wedding

2010-03-07T09:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you, but my dream of an "ultimate wedding" does not include a hospital bed or a recently paralyzed groom.

But that's how it was for Mary Cole and her fiancé, Densey, a Chicago police officer. On May 27, 2009 Densey was paralyzed in a head-on collision while responding to a burglary call. He was in a coma for four weeks, but he & Mary were married in the hospital when he awoke.

Here's where you come in. Like I said, that's not exactly *my* dream of the ultimate wedding, and I don't think it was theirs either. Now they are in competition for Crate and Barrel's Ultimate Wedding and I want them to win! Go vote for them (ok, or you can read about all the couples and vote for any couple you feel are deserving of this truly ultimate wedding).

When you click "vote" you will be asked to create an account. Once you verify your account by clicking on the link in your email, you've voted! Easy Peasy! :) Thank you from the LEO family!