Breaking Up Isn't Hard To Do

Dear Blog,

Although I think about you all the time, it's been about five months since I've visited you.  I've been so busy.  I know you can't really relate, seeing as how your visit count has never really been all that high.  But this blog was never about you, was it?  It was all about me.

So, as I was saying, I've been busy.  Do you remember I was pregnant with kiddie #4?  Well, I had labor pains with that baby for almost my entire third trimester.  Oh man, was that scary.  Eventually I did deliver that baby (a girl, to my utter shock!) and only a week early.  She was huge, 8 pounds 11 ounces.  That's huge for me, especially since my first kid was only 5 pounds 13 ounces.  Well anyway, thankfully I didn't almost die (like another lady in labor that day) but I sure had some damage which kept me, well, really injured for a while.  The baby had a stay in the NICU because she had some complications, too.

The best part of all that is we now have a precious, sweet little girl.  I'm almost completely healed, and for all this time my dear husband has been home helping with the kids and causing a ruckus.  He's just gone back to work, and we'll see how long he lasts.  :)

When little one (still haven't thought of a blog name for her yet.... not sure I'll need to, but we'll get to that) was about 2 weeks old we decided to move, and move we did.  It was the first time in our marriage that we moved and boy, was it painful in so many ways. But we've moved and have a temporary landing spot for now, with most of our stuff in storage.  [ED. NOTE: When you have most of your stuff in storage, don't watch Storage Wars with your kids.  They'll freak out that someone's going to sneak in and sell your stuff while you aren't paying on your unit.]

My husband wants to quit his job.  He's getting older, and I think police work just doesn't feel like his life dream.  He doesn't feel like he's making a difference in his life.  I think there are other reasons for that besides his job, but let's not digress now.  I want him to be happy, but I also want him to be paying the bills if he wants me to continue to be the primary educator in our little homeschooling family.  I was hoping his little break from work after the baby would give him some clarity on what he wants to do.  Instead, he took care of me and the kids and moved and took a three week vacation.  Not too exciting, and definitely no clarity there.

So, dear blog, it's been harder for me to get by to visit you. I guess I also don't need you as much any more.  I don't have so much angst over my husband's job, which I would ruminate on and think about via this outlet.  Although I wouldn't know what it would be like to be married to not-a-cop any more, I've finally realized I'd still have the same husband.  Sure, maybe he wouldn't have permission to carry off duty any more like he does 24/7 now (he'd be permanently off duty!), he'd still have the same personality and heightened awareness of life.  So if I'm not back too often, please don't take it personally.  It's me, not you.

Love,
Handcuffed Heart

Recently overheard...

We had popcorn and game night at our house recently, where I am usually responsible for the "popcorn" part and not so much the game part. This particular evening it was video game night. While I was tending to something popcorn related, my husband was helping my 7-year-old get the hang of the archery game.

"After you release the arrow, just hold steady. It's just like shooting a gun." Or something like that. I forget the exact piece of advice (maybe that's why my time at the shooting range is not ever that impressive).

Now when has our seven year old ever shot a gun!?? Never.... But considering the source of the advice, I shouldn't be surprised, I guess. ;)

Courage

Found this floating around the internet recently ~ and oh, my, did it speak to my heart. Even if you aren't a believer in the Big Guy Upstairs, I think we can all agree that courage is a necessary ingredient in a life as a significant other to a police officer.

Dear God,
Give me COURAGE, for perhaps I lack it more than anything else.
I need COURAGE as I witness my husband's departure for duty each day.
I need COURAGE as I see him put on his uniform because I know the abuse that perhaps he will be subjected to before he returns from his tour of duty.
I need COURAGE in dealing with the children when he is working long hours during demonstrations or on an investigation.
I need COURAGE when tensions buildup on the job and pressures at home to mount and life becomes almost too much to bear.
I need COURAGE to stand firm and not to succumb to the urge to run away from problems.
Help me to have the strength to be a COURAGEOUS and Valiant Woman, when I learn from the media that a "police officer's been hurt."
The next time I waver or grow faint-hearted, Help me, O Divine Master, to be COURAGEOUS.
And, having found the source of strength in You, Help me to reach out to others, who may be just as scared as I.

Amen

Prayer given at the DC Police Wives Installation Dinner, on June 15, 1973, by Reverend R. Joseph Dooley.

Control What You Can

We've spent the first seven weeks of 2012 being enmeshed in a crazy new schedule with crazy new stress at my husband's department. Our computer has been at the computer hospital for a few weeks so I have been relegated to "connecting" via my smart phone. "Relegated"? Since when did society become so entitled? But I digress...

I've been through the whole shift change thing enough times to know that you just have to let it happen to you. You can't force it, you can't make it be something it is not or something you are not. You just have to go with the flow. I'm not like that. I like a plan. I can go with the flow when there is a plan in place. (Don't you roll your eyes at me!) So in the first seven weeks of being back to graves after almost three years off and major, huge stress at work for my husband, I'm getting my butt kicked.

In the eight years of our marriage, I have never once sat down for three hours straight and "discussed" my husband's job with him. Sure, I hear plenty of stories every day, but I don't get three hours of straight entertainment. And it's happening regularly now. The stress and frustration and irritation are oozing out of him and pouring over the rest of us at home. He's trying to not let it, but... it happens.

With all this background (and does anyone even remember I'm still busy building lungs, bones, and vital organs?!?!), it should come as no surprise that we had a day of "intense fellowship" this weekend. He was angry. I was hurt. I got angry. And it never got resolved. Some of it just can't be resolved right now. There is all this crap, serious C-R-A-P floating around in our lives and it seems so overwhelming.

Now that I'm at this point, I don't care anymore. As my friends keep badgering me -- in the nicest way possible, I'm sure -- "When are you going to buy a bigger car? When are you going to move from your 700 sq ft house to a bigger house since you're going to have four kids?" I've hit on, "I don't care any more." Of course I care, but I'm beyond worrying about it. The most amazing revelation someone once gave me was that YOU cannot make ME feel anything I don't want to feel. You can't make me feel dumpy, sloppy, stupid, or ugly, unless I give you permission. In all of this, I WILL CONTROL WHAT I CAN. I can control how I respond. And that's about it.

Every situation, and every dilemma I encounter, presents me with a choice. Will I get my panties in a bunch and freak out, or will I put on my big girl boots with a good attitude? Talk to a friend who has no job. No food in the cupboards. An eight-year battle with ovarian cancer. My choice to do the best with what I have and not throw a temper tantrum seems much more clear cut.

Of course this weekend I absolutely did not follow this advice, and what a waste of time and energy that was.

That was my one last nerve!

I don't care where you work -- if you're a cop, you automatically have a big fat target on the back of your uniform. You may work in a more "dangerous" area -- cities that people across the country may hear of and know about, and not for their beautiful beaches and friendly people -- or you may work in a neighboring jurisdiction that gets the overflow from one of those crappy towns. The longer my husband is in law enforcement, the more I learn that there are all kind of cops working for all kinds of agencies (ever seen a Postal Service Police Officer? I have!). And they all have their unique idiosyncrasies.

There has been major tension in our larger metro area lately, with lots of conflict between the cops and the illogical, left-leaning, narrow-minded citizens that see the uniform my husband wears and make all sorts of assumptions about him. And they don't even know him! Now, generally speaking, my husband's jurisdiction is rather benign. One of those places where you automatically think "Oh, that's not too bad," but at the same time they get the overflow from some of the more nasty towns around.

So, yeah, I feel pretty "safe" when my husband goes to work. (What a joke that is. But that's for another post.) He's gotten plenty of his shift buddies out of jams in his years on, been crashed by a drunk driver... but really? It's not that bad.

So imagine my surprise when I was driving home with the kids in the car recently and I heard the breaking news that there had been a shooting right in the middle of DH's jurisdiction. When he was on duty. In the middle of his shift. In the middle of his jurisdiction. Did I mention he was working right then?

Like I recently said on Twitter, my insides died a little while I heard that tiny snippet. I knew not to call him. If he had been the shooter, or on the call during the shooting, or been shot, he's wasn't going to answer the phone. If he was providing support to the whole situation (highly likely, eh?), he wasn't going to answer the phone. So I just had to breathe... and know that whatever had happened had already happened. And I would know if I needed to know and when I needed to know. I called my brother and had him comb the internet for details -- just find out who got shot, was it a good guy or a bad guy? I hung up and called home to check the messages remotely. No messages. Ok, I think that's a good sign. I think.

It turned out to be a good sign. About 90 minutes later DH called and my insides collapsed in relief. Yes, he was still on duty. No, he wasn't on the call. No, he wouldn't be coming home on time. Yes, I would need to scramble for a babysitter. That "late home" and "not available for you" part sucked. But I didn't even care when I knew he wasn't involved in the incident.

I'm having a hard time synthesizing my feelings about the whole thing. The multiple incidents piling up -- a fight here, a shooting there, crazy morons here, obscenities and profanity... all in one week? I can take it spread out but shift after shift after shift, working 12 hours on with three days off spread over 14 days?

If I'm having trouble, how are these officers doing it?

DH had a glorious day off yesterday and now he is back in the trenches. I'm sorting through my feelings, and definitely not discussing with my non-LEO friends because they cannot wrap their mind around it. Oh, and potty training. And cleaning up barf. That's what we are doing today. What's on your schedule today?

I do it all. Except....

I pride myself on being able to sit down and take it. Not in a "do you know it is domestic violence awareness month" kind of way, but more of the "just do it" way. I schlep uniforms to the cleaners. I speed-racer ironed academy uniforms (then said "no more!"). I pack lunches at dinner and make breakfast for lunch. I have my weekend on Wednesday and Thursday and celebrate Christmas on any day in December that starts with a twenty-something. Heck, I celebrated Thanksgiving for several years straight at the police station!

If you are a LEO family this is no big news to you. And none of us (usually) are complaining, it is just a reminder of what our normal is. It is one heck of a different kind of normal than most other people I know.

That is why I was knocked on my butt this week when I realized there is something I just won't do when it comes to the police wife life, because as I have just explained, I do it all.

bulletblocker.com

My husband brought home his body armor for a good cleaning. Some wear them over their shirts, some under, but if you have half a brain you wear your freaking vest on duty.  This is the one piece of equipment that kind of creeps me out.  It's this ugly, smelly, nondescript thing that could very well save my husband's life at the very best or at the very worst make a horrible injury much less severe.  I'm happy he is bringing it home for cleaning, but it sure does give me the creeps.  Oh, did I already say that?  Well, it does.  He's scrubbing it and cleaning it like it's a pair of boots he's sloshed through a homeless encampment in and all I can think of is "Please don't die, please don't die, please don't die."

Which is totally *NOT* like me.  People ask me stupid questions like this All. The. Time.  "Don't you worry?"  "What would happen if...?"  From some people I know it is sincere and they are truly concerned.  But other people who are asking me stuff; it almost feels like they have no right to ask, well... don't get me started.

I was doing ok ignoring the whole thing and keeping it together until I saw this little tiny rectangular piece laying on our bed (because really, where else would you clean this stuff?!).  A little bigger than a 4x6 index card, I think.  (I'm not sure, I didn't look too long.)  The Trauma Pac.  Now, this picture over to the right is just a representative photo I found on a message board on the great world wide web.  But I can tell you that if that tiny little rectangle with the nice "Trauma Pac" description and "second chance" were sitting there on my bed WITH AN OUTLINE OF A HEART like this one has, I would have been through the roof.  I almost had to pick it up and put it under the bed or in my husband's sock drawer because I had such a strong reaction to it.

But I'm tough.  I do it all.  I'm a police wife.  So I kept my freaking-out-ness to myself and just in passing mentioned it to my mom the next time we were chatting.  It felt good to have it off my chest and I could move on.  I can't tell you how ecstatic I was to have that thing all put together and back in my husband's locker... yes, doing the job it was intended to do, keeping him safe(r) and sweaty on the streets.

Is there something about the job that is like nails on a chalkboard to you?  This one is certainly mine!

It's such a funny place

I've been a bit emotional lately (more on that in a minute) and really been mourning the loss of that good friendship.  Ok, mourning isn't the right word, but maybe "recognizing" the loss.  The difficult part is, our children attend many classes together (remember, we homeschool?) and so I have to see their family on a regular basis.  Makes the absence a little more.... obvious.


This week I found out that this former friend is pregnant.  And guess what?  [drumroll please....] I am too!  So it's making me even more nostalgic about how fun it could be to be pregnant together, and recognizing that it's just not going to be like that.  It's ok.  It's a stage.  But I can still "miss" it.  And be emotional.  ha.

So if you want to be my pregnant buddy, I'm totally looking for new applicants.  JUST KIDDING.  Yes, for those of you counting, this will be our #4, and this is the first time I'm really wishing I had that pregnant buddy along for the ride with me.  It's just that every pregnancy is less and less glamorous (if you have had more than one, you KNOW what I am talking about) and I'd love to share it with a good friend.

Happy Saturday, strange world!

update

I said goodbye to the teeny-tiny church and unfortunately, had to also say goodbye to the main friendship I had there.  I did the best I could to say goodbye, but things are never as they seem.  Evidently I'm a demanding, perfectionistic friend who will only be friends with you if you are perfect.  Yeah, I got the line "All we've ever tried to do is make you feel welcome and cared for...."  Thinking back on the conversation, I laugh.  She's the tall, skinny, beautiful mom who regularly cleans her house and cooks delicious meals for her family and her house is always all neat and picked up.  As a squishy mom [ahem] with piles of crap everywhere at home (including more dustbunnies than one could ever want), and a favorite meal of chicken nuggets and potstickers (organic, but does that even count?!?) I find it hard to believe that I will only be your friend if you are perfect.  Then again, you feel how you feel.

Talking through the conversation with my mom, I thought of all these things I wanted to say.... and she gently helped me see that defending myself to them isn't going to help.  So for now I'm mourning the loss of what I thought -- quite mistakenly -- was a deep, wonderful friendship and wondering how not to get myself in this predicament again.  sigh.

It's always something, isn't it?

realization: church

The best piece of advice I received a few years back was from the wife of a sergeant nearing retirement (in fact, he's now retired). She told me [paraphrased], "You can't do everything. You have to give yourself permission to smile and say 'no.' Most people will not understand what it's like to have a husband in law enforcement and what that does to you and your family. You build your own hedges around yourself and your family and to heck with everyone else." Actually she was probably even more mild than that (that's who she is) but it really stuck with me.

It sounds lame, even now, as I've written it here. Of course! Set your own boundaries. Be good to your family. But I feel that in law enforcement our boundaries can be so different from everyone else's -- and for reasons which are more or less incomprehensible to those around us.

http://www.cumberlandchurch.com/

I'm still in the mode where I feel like I do everything by myself -- not just social events, but the entire life of our family. I won't list everything out because it will be bad for my psyche, but one thing I've really been struggling with lately is church. No, I'm not going to get all religious on you, just work with me here and know that we go to church -- more often than not -- on Sunday mornings.

When I say "we" I mean myself and the kids; husband is either working or sleeping on Sunday mornings. We've been going to this nearby teeny tiny church started by our friends but it's such an effort. There's nothing restorative or regenerative or inspirational about Sunday morning for me with three kids in tow there. It's a chore, and certainly not a joy, to participate in Sunday morning. For the last two Sundays, however, we've visited a church I attended years and years ago when I was very single and very childless. It's grown and changed in all these years, but some of the same dear people are there, as well as some "new" dear people our family knows now, too.

The guilt is, I've enjoyed being there these last two weeks. It's all the things I haven't had at the teeny tiny church. But it's 20 minutes away as opposed to 10 minutes. I'll be leaving behind friends who I'm sure will be crushed at the teeny-tiny church. And I can't decide if I'm being selfish to just "church-jump" this way or if my family really will benefit from being at this other church more permanently. The clincher for me is that my husband might actually -- gasp -- go to church with us at this new place. That would seal the deal for me if we could all worship together.

I'm dialing this in to the "married single mom police wife life." If I wasn't as dry as the Sahara Desert I wouldn't be craving a sort of restorative Sunday morning like I am. But, here I am. It's how we roll at HHPD these days. And as a LEO wife, I'm not expecting anyone else to understand, or agree, but I think I'll be jumping ship to this new church shortly. And I'm sad. Again.

Here she comes, there she goesI

It's been a bad summer. Today the minutes ticked by past the "witching hour" ~ the moments when I had expected DH home, then hoped he would be home, then started checking every car that drove by to see if it was someone delivering bad news. About half an hour later, the phone rang and the first thing my husband said was, "We're OK," [and you always know this comes before the "but"] "but I'm going to be late."

So, so, so grateful today. Trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. I'll be happy when this summer is over.

Treats for your Sweet

Ok.... Now I know I feel 100,000 times better when I don't eat junk, but with stuff out there like this.... who can resist? Make your own chocolate candy from molds (right) or just order the badge pre-made as a blue lollipop to hand out to your adoring fans. Either way, you'll be "popular" (cue music from "WICKED" which I love).

It's summer! Go out, have fun! We are. :)

Spring Thaw

Life is swirling at an unbelievable rate these days, and I cannot keep up. 

I thought that with this shift rotation everything would be "great."  Husband is working a modified day schedule (starting in the late morning) and I thought it was close enough to the type of schedule that "regular" people work that it would be great for our family.  In a way, it has been great.  But there are other things, like interpersonal stuff, in our marriage that I thought would be helped by this schedule too. 

Is it no surprise they aren't? 

People say that with kids, it's not about (fancy) "quality" time but quantity.  I guess I thought our marriage would benefit from time together at the "right" time of day (i.e. when I am awake and husband is home and not working).  :)  I don't think it's worked out like that.  It's almost been worse, like there is the expectation that it would be better but it's not so therefore it's worse.  So maybe it's no surprise that I haven't posted for over a month.  School and life has been kicking my butt and I've been so discouraged.  (And I've gotten addicted to Words With Friends.  Oops)

So now, of course, I'm posting because I have good news.  Because I cannot stand to be the bearer of bad news, Debbie Downer.  We're on vacation!  Forever!  Just kidding.  It's not forever but it feels like it.  :)  I'm realizing that I do actually like this person I married (just in case I had forgotten.... which I somewhat had, let's be honest) and I don't remember laughing as much as we have been.  Along with lots of other things, that's the thing that will stand out the most about this spring thaw: the laughing. 

I've said it for a while and this vacation is proving it.  We don't have any big plans to go anywhere, and I think that's good.  Everyone needs to chill out and "thaw" once in a while and for those in law enforcement it's even more important.  I'm thankful, so very thankful, for this thaw and praying for some great progress in so many areas of our marriage and family. 

How about you?  How do you thaw out from life on a regular basis?

I've Seen Better Days...

While I cannot rival Mrs. Fuzz's recent bout with kidney stones and craziness, this last week has not been the best.  I suppose I could write my list and say "this went wrong" or "that was bad" but it would mostly be whining and complaining and, well... pointless.

It's been a week that cannot be categorized. Between lack of sleep, illnesses, worries, conflict, and weather that has sprung from spring to winter, and autumn and summer in between, well, who can categorize it!?!?  So while trudging through life with the weight of too many things on my heart, I've come away with two helpful thoughts.  Not totally original ones, but they are getting me through the days.  Of course, with three small people in tow at all times, the most basic saving grace is: "The days are long but the years are short."

I find it easier to live until bedtime when I realize that I most absolutely must live in this moment. I will never have this moment back again.  I had a friend in college who listed the number of seconds on the back of her front door with a catchy phrase that you will never have another one of those seconds back -- ever -- and to make every one of them count today.  It's the same idea.  I may be wishing for sun while it storms outside.  I'll get my sun.  Not today, perhaps, but it will come.  And when it does come, I will wish for rain because the water bill is too high.  Instead, I choose to cherish this very moment because it will never come back to me and I want to remember it most sweetly.

As I lay on the floor of my children's room last night, willing the snuffling baby to sleep by shear force of my will, my daughter reached out with her tiny hand to stroke my cheek and search for my hand.  She would shift a bit and then rearrange herself so that she could still reach a few of my fingers and hold on to them.  I always race out of their room as quickly as possible after lights out so I can throw myself on my bed, count the many hours since I awoke and the seemingly-too-few until I must wake again tomorrow.  But last night I didn't.  I cherished their tiny room, crammed with my desk and their clothes and my grandpa's law enforcement cast offs from the 1950s.   That moment will never come back, and some day my daughter may not reach for my hand like that.

But I was there, for that moment, and I will never wish to go back and "re-do" it because I screwed it up so badly.  Other moments, yes.  Last night? Not a chance.

More questions for you

CA Cop Wife recently asked about your opinion on significant other ridealongs at work. Go chime in!

Now, my question for you: do you have a scanner? Do you listen while your significant other is on duty? If you're a cop, how do you feel about your S.O. listening in while you're on duty? I have been forbidden from getting a scanner or listening or any of that. Boo hoo. I did download a scanner app for my phone and listen to some neighboring agencies. I think it's just interesting to get more accustomed to the radio, codes, etc. And I like knowing what's going on. :)

I've mentioned a few times that I have several relatives in law enforcement. I have good memories of hanging out at my grandparent's house, laying on the bed and listening to the scanner with my grandma. Every once in a while she would say, "Oh, that's your uncle." I think she listened more out of fear for his safety, not because she was truly interested in what was going on. Well ~ she was interested out of fear. You know what I mean.

What about you?

What's on the menu?

Thanks to the crockpot (and Stephanie O'Dea), we had "Easy Taco Night" last night. I was so grateful that our house didn't burn down while the crockpot was on and I was out in the afternoon. We didn't finish it all, so tonight? Easy Burrito Night. LOL. The kids were entranced, and really they were just eating the same thing, but inside soft flour tortillas instead of crispy corn tortillas.

Next on the menu is Chicken and Rice Soup (the "gluten free" version of chicken noodle soup, says Ms. O'Dea).

I've asked before, but it's been a while so I'll ask again: What's your easy, go-to meal you are in love with right now?

"Get into the groove...."

"...boy, you've got to prove...."

Just kidding.  Yes, I'm a child of the 80's, and if you have no idea what I'm talking, er, singing about just, uh, carry on.

But getting into a "groove" is definitely a way to keep your sanity, wouldn't ya say?  I'll be the first to say that I think getting into a rhythm in life is hard enough on it's own with kids, a job, A LIFE THAT NEVER QUITS, you know.... the basics.  But a LEO family?  Sheesh.

Someone recently asked me on Twitter if I scheduled my days.  I gave a flip "It depends on the day" ~ which was totally the truth but somewhat a cop out.  What I eventually came to share was that I have a plan; a general plan, not a minute-by-minute plan or even a hour-by-hour plan of how to structure most of my days.  Of course there are certain days we have obligations and must be out the door at a certain time -- those are non-negotiables, obviously.  I'm even less structured than I would like to be, but that's because I'm a perfectionist.  Does anyone else see the irony in that statement?!?!  I'm a perfectionist, so the less I plan the better I am about going with the flow and accepting whatever comes my way.  And with a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants husband with an equally unpredictable job, it's really helping me manage my expectations about accomplishments in our daily lives.

In truth, I'm not even as scheduled as Monday/laundry day; Tuesday/Bathroom cleaning day, although I'd probably be better off if I was.  However, the things I do to keep our rhythm on a daily basis are:

1. Have everyone's clothes laid out the night before, even for the baby and me.  Since I am always up before my husband, this is an easy way to avoid the certain groaning from him as I open and close drawers looking for that always-lost sock.
2. No one eats breakfast if they aren't dressed.  While this is not a hard-and-fast rule every single day, on days when we have places to go/people to see/things to do, it sure gets everyone dressed and ready in a hurry.  Socks have to be on and shoes are by the door for easy access when it comes down to the last minute rush to get out the door.
3. I check our calendar the night before to make sure that everything we need is ready to go.  This includes programming my phone with the phone numbers of people with whom I have appointments the next day.  That way if I'm running late, or they don't show up, I have a way to contact them and rearrange our appointment.
4. Everyone packs their bags the night before.  The kids' things are ready to go, I'm ready, and it really cuts down on the morning stress.
5. Speaking of the night before?  I make sure I have a plan for all the meals the next day.  I'm in NO way a menu planner  of the caliber of Mrs. Fuzz, but if I know the night before what's happening the next day for meals, I can chop any veggies and prep as much as possible the night before, or add to my to-do list to pick up that one essential ingredient I'm inevitably missing before 5pm rolls around the next day.
6. This one is the worst.  I'm just warning you now: I do my very very best to get up and dressed before I hear the first tentative "Mama" calling from the kids' room.  On many days, it really really.... well, it sucks.  But when I have time to get ready in peace and start my day on my terms, it cuts down on the yelling (what? ME? yell?) and frustration I inevitably feel at some point in the morning.  The other thing that's nice in our house is that the kids are not allowed to get up and out of bed without permission. 

That's just to make sure our days go smoothly and cut down on stress when things (always) come up at the last minute.  The thing that really got me going on this post, however, was thinking about how the rhythm of our days and week has been pretty hard to mesh with my cop husband's.

We get up early.
He doesn't.
We have a weekend, like the rest of the world.  Well, the same days as the rest of the world.
He doesn't.
We eat breakfast in the morning.
He doesn't.
Afternoons are for naps.
His afternoons are the prime of his day.

You know, all those basic things.  It's been a continual, conscious effort to readjust my weekly rhythm to fit with my husbands'.  We don't necessarily use Saturday as a free-for-all weekend day --  It might be Monday, Sunday, or Thursday.

What tips, tricks, and downright skulldudgery do you use to keep your family in sync with your significant other?  Please share.  I'm trying to avoid the bitter side of life so help me out, people!

In Case Of...

Did anyone watch The Bachelor this week?  If you haven't, SPOILER ALERT.  It's been a few days so I don't think I'll spoil anything for those who actually care by telling you that Brad (the bachelor) went to visit his four remaining ladies at their hometowns.  One of the Chantals is from Chico, California, and she helps run the family funeral home.  Her hometown date with Brad started off in the funeral home.  Talk about a romance killer.

At one point, Brad admitted that he is really uncomfortable with death, and never likes to say goodbye to anyone... well, can I hammer it home any more, dear readers?  Death is certain.  Life is UNcertain!  sheesh.  No big surprise that after Chantal had him lay on one of the embalming tables and showed him all her embalming tools, she did not get a rose at the rose ceremony.  No big surprise, none at all... Serious romance killer.

But when you're a law family, death is a little more... acceptable? Accepted? Talked about?  I don't know, maybe it's not, but it should be.  At one time I had a list of all the things that should be in my husband's End Of Watch (EOW) folder.  Who to call, what he wants, what to do, important papers, all that jazz.  Really, if you are breathing (which you are, if you are reading this) you should have a folder like this, LEO or not.

So in that vein, I thought I'd share with you a recent post on Unclutterer: In Case of Death... There are some very basic suggestions as to what you should have all in a centralized location (in your "love drawer" or "legacy drawer" as referenced to Dave Ramsey).  There are also a lot of good tips in the comments section, so read that too. 

Have you done this yet?  Do you think you will (no matter if you "should")? Some people just "can't" or "won't" do it.  What LEO specific items would you suggest adding to that folder?

Priorities

Yesterday we had a rare treat, where all the stars aligned and our entire family sat down to dinner together.  Shocking, I know.  This is clearly a multi-dimensional event: the kitchen table (also known as the school room, the craft center, and the kitchen prep area) was cleaned off so that everyone had a place to sit; I actually cooked a meal that everyone would eat; and the husband got home early enough so that we could all eat together.  yay!!

People the world over say that eating dinner together as a family five times a week or more is revolutionary.  Without citing actual statistics (I'm too lazy for that!), I've heard that this phenomenon combats childhood obesity, prevents teen drug use, and reduces the incidence of divorce.  Who knows if it is true, but if you think about it....  It kinda makes sense.  You have an intentional connection with a group of people and you carve out time for them during the meal.  It makes sense to me that there are going to be other effects outside of the now-I'm-not-hungry-because-I-ate-dinner effect.

My husband and I differ in our views of the purpose of a family meal.  He believes meals are for eating.  Period.  Too much talking is bad.  Just sit down and eat your food.  It's a family culture thing.  I recall the first time I sat down to a meal with my husband's family, and it felt soooo awkward.  Everyone was eating.  No one was talking.  It was incredibly quiet compared to meals with my family.  Sure, at my house growing up we would gobble up plenty of food.... but there was always plenty of talking, too.

One of the very best touchpoints that I've added to our family tapestry is the daily "Highlights and Lowlights".  It's an easy way for each person to share about their day, picking their one highlight and one lowlight.  It gives us something to talk about, and amazingly enough, is tolerated by my husband as acceptable "conversation" during a meal.  Obviously, as a law enforcement family, it's not always at dinner time ~ sometimes it's bedtime or even breakfast ~ but each person gets a chance to share their piece, whenever it is.  It's been interesting to watch the highlights and lowlights change over time as the kids grow.  It took a long time for our now-4-year-old to figure out the difference between high ("good") and low ("bad"), and sometimes they don't even remember what we did during the day and they have to be reminded.  :)  It's been a great tool to discover what's important to our children; things that I could have cared less about are almost always one of their highlights.  It gives permission to each child to speak his mind, and be the center of the family table for a few minutes.  There are lots of positives about this ritual in our familiy.

I've heard this regularly recently, and it's so applicable to me as a mom-in-the-trenches of early childhood with three children: "The days are long but the years are short."  So true.  I get bogged down in making breakfast, washing dishes, and wiping butts and noses over and over again every day.  I treasure the opportunity to reflect, celebrate, and learn from my kids with our regular sharing of "Highlights and Lowlights." 

What kind of rituals have you woven into your family tapestry?  I'd love to add more to our family, so please share!

Image courtesy of Rubink1 on flickr.

To Ring or Not To Ring?

I remember those first few days of my new, sparkly diamond engagement ring shimmering on my finger.  It was an outward symbol of the inner feelings I had; I loved someone, and someone loved me, and I had great hope and excitement about our future.  In reality, I didn't need that ring to accompany that burning question (the one that came right after the comment about the "nerdy girl" he met so many years ago) but it was a special symbol that I still treasure.

Then, there was the question of a wedding band.  Did I really need one?  I had a sparkly thing on my finger already.  Why did I need TWO rings instead of one?  [For the record, I did end up with one ~ a plain band studded with my beloved's birthstone. Love!!]

It may be just a "girl thang" but I definitely feel different when I have that ring on.  Even if it's just the plain band, I love glimpsing that ring on my finger and thinking about all the conversations that got us there; the huge fight we got into (and he still gave me my wedding band); the day he proposed and what a shock it was... all of these things are wrapped up in this little piece of jewelry.

So when I don't wear it, I feel "less" married.  I don't know how you can feel "less" in that way but I sure do.  Now, back in the day I bought my husband a wedding band, which he wore for a while.  But he stopped wearing it somewhere along the road.  I even bought him a "cheap" replacement because he said he wanted something different/different size/other wife (ha ha just kidding).  But he still doesn't wear it.  I guess there are lots of reasons; it's more comfy without it, it doesn't get banged up, and it leaves some mystery as to whether my man has a wife and kids at home.  Good for the thugs trying to "come after us" in retaliation, bad for the 20-year-old badge bunnies that always seem to be creeping around.

So, I'm curious.... you first responder types out there.... do you wear a ring on shift?  Does your S.O. wear one on shift?  Why or why not?

Image courtesy of Fensterbme on Flickr

In the interest of full disclosure, I was not wearing any jewelry at the time of this post!

New Job Title

Recently I was talking to a neighbor who knows enough about us to know that my husband is around when he "shouldn't" be and gone when he "shouldn't" be.  In the course of the conversation he asked "So, is your husband a student?" to which I listlessly replied "No....."

[and now which lie do I go with?  The "garbage collector" lie?  This is a good one because usually no one knows what to say to that and the conversation dies immediately.  Or the "public employee" line?  That's a bad one, people say "What department does he work for? Does he know [my long lost cousin/best friend/mother-in-law]?" Or should I go with the "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" line?  sigh...]

I settled for "No.... He's not a student.  He's just a loser."

I sure hope my husband never finds out that I said that, but gee..... It sure stopped the conversation in it's tracks.  lol.