Wednesday, September 29, 2010

One thought

Today I had a mild panic attack when I realized I didn't know if my mom had thrown away a special set of my dad's shirts.

I mentioned my dad in my last post, so maybe he's just been on my mind lately.  Actually, I know he has been.  Yesterday I got really angry when I thought about him missing my life.  Wha.....??!  I mean, that feels so out of left field I can't even say the entire word "what."  I'm not angry at him, it's not like it was his fault.  I'm not angry at God, either.  Just.... angry.  Then sad.  Then confused about why it matters at this point.  When would it be "ok" for your parent to die?  If you are 45 years old and your dad was 65 or 70, is that "ok"?  Is that "fair"?  No anger required?  Or...?  I'm really at a loss.  I can't imagine anyone ever dying and my being OK with it.  This is a mind game at this point but it's an interesting idea. 

My mom took a while but after he died, but she did get rid of my dad's clothes in a pretty healthy and timely manner.  She saved a laundry basket full of shirts that were so "him."  It was always business casual for him, more or less.  He had plenty of suits (which he did wear more than "occasionally"), but there are plenty of shirts that I would take one look at and they would scream DAD to me.  You know the ones.  My husband has a bunch of shirts like that.  Whether they like it or not, the men in my life have a signature style.  No, I didn't say they are stylish, just have a signature style.  :)

So I realized I need some of those shirts.  I need to do something with them.  I called up my mom and she really didn't have time to talk, but I asked if she still had the shirts and she said "Yup, they are in my husband's closet."  (Talk about weird, but hey! It works for him and I'm grateful.)  One of the best things was that my mom made my garter-to-keep for my wedding out of material from one of those shirts.  I'm really glad I have that.  It made me cry when I opened it at my bridal shower and I think everyone there was a bit surprised by such a strong reaction to a garter.  There's always a story, though, isn't there?

Anyhow.... that's that.  Pondering lots of things these days.  What's going on in your neck of the woods?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

what is it?

If you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that all my familia (small though it may be) was in town for a long weekend of birthday extravaganza-ing.  It was a good excuse; a few birthdays, some babysitting needs I had, extra airline credit to use up.... all converged for a convergence of my family in our town.  It was wonderful.

The not-so-wonderful thing was that my mom's husband was there.  The wonderful thing is, he's a wonderful guy.  Are you confused yet?  There's nothing wrong with him, really.  In fact he is amazing.  But he's my mom's husband.  Not my dad.  My dad, who has never met my husband or my three children and knows nothing of my current life.  If you've been reading for a while, you may remember that I memorialized the 13th anniversary of my dad's death this year. He died of a brain tumor.

My dad's five brothers, bless their hearts, were terrified about dying themselves from a brain tumor.  I don't know if their concern over their own mortality led them to be really crappy during that time in our lives or they are just generally crappy people.  Since they are related to my great dad, I'm going to go with the former.  Anyway.  So all that was a long time ago.  Now, one of my uncles has basically ruined his life and has been in the hospital for a few months.  He's behaved in such a way as to throw his life away, when my dad more than likely would have given anything to keep his.  It's so complicated ~ isn't it always? ~ but it makes me so sad.

This weekend, my grandma facebook messaged me.  Yes, my 70-something-years-old grandma!  She wanted to tell me "before it gets all over facebook" that another one of my uncles has cancer.  It's so odd.  It may not be a brain tumor, but it's definitely another way to face your own mortality.  I'm aching for my aunt and my cousins.  I'm aching for my grandma, who has already lost a husband and son, and is facing the distinct possibility of losing two more. 

Then I get frustrated.  I'm of the camp that 'if it's your time to go, it's your time' and it may be from cancer, gangrene, a car crash or a 15-pound hail ball,'re gonna go.  Death is inevitable!  It's just that these illnesses force us to stare death in the face, while we might normally do a very good job of relegating it to a small corner behind us.  It's another good reminder, even for me who really isn't skittish about death, to get my house in order.  How about you?  Are you 'ready'?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Life in Lists

School has started, as well as our extracurricular activities which start up this week.  I'm a list maker.  I strongly believe that if I make a list I am excused from recalling any of it, since I've written it down and freed my brain for other things.  Sooooo.... since I'm in "list mode" y'all get a life list from me instead of  a nice, newsy, scintillating blog post.  :)

School started
I can't keep up
My baby has non-mom anxiety

Ok, that's not a very interesting list, but my head is a little cloudy at the moment.  With the end of our month-long vacation as well as the end of summer, life is off and running at the speed of light.  Husband has lots of overtime scheduled for the next few months, and of course we are happy about that since he takes it as comp time but it won't be for a while yet that he'll be able to use any of it.  Sigh.

I'm also secretly plotting to get him to change his work schedule next year so that I can take EMT classes.  I'm sure that will really help with #2 up there, "I can't keep up."