Breaking Up Isn't Hard To Do

Dear Blog,

Although I think about you all the time, it's been about five months since I've visited you.  I've been so busy.  I know you can't really relate, seeing as how your visit count has never really been all that high.  But this blog was never about you, was it?  It was all about me.

So, as I was saying, I've been busy.  Do you remember I was pregnant with kiddie #4?  Well, I had labor pains with that baby for almost my entire third trimester.  Oh man, was that scary.  Eventually I did deliver that baby (a girl, to my utter shock!) and only a week early.  She was huge, 8 pounds 11 ounces.  That's huge for me, especially since my first kid was only 5 pounds 13 ounces.  Well anyway, thankfully I didn't almost die (like another lady in labor that day) but I sure had some damage which kept me, well, really injured for a while.  The baby had a stay in the NICU because she had some complications, too.

The best part of all that is we now have a precious, sweet little girl.  I'm almost completely healed, and for all this time my dear husband has been home helping with the kids and causing a ruckus.  He's just gone back to work, and we'll see how long he lasts.  :)

When little one (still haven't thought of a blog name for her yet.... not sure I'll need to, but we'll get to that) was about 2 weeks old we decided to move, and move we did.  It was the first time in our marriage that we moved and boy, was it painful in so many ways. But we've moved and have a temporary landing spot for now, with most of our stuff in storage.  [ED. NOTE: When you have most of your stuff in storage, don't watch Storage Wars with your kids.  They'll freak out that someone's going to sneak in and sell your stuff while you aren't paying on your unit.]

My husband wants to quit his job.  He's getting older, and I think police work just doesn't feel like his life dream.  He doesn't feel like he's making a difference in his life.  I think there are other reasons for that besides his job, but let's not digress now.  I want him to be happy, but I also want him to be paying the bills if he wants me to continue to be the primary educator in our little homeschooling family.  I was hoping his little break from work after the baby would give him some clarity on what he wants to do.  Instead, he took care of me and the kids and moved and took a three week vacation.  Not too exciting, and definitely no clarity there.

So, dear blog, it's been harder for me to get by to visit you. I guess I also don't need you as much any more.  I don't have so much angst over my husband's job, which I would ruminate on and think about via this outlet.  Although I wouldn't know what it would be like to be married to not-a-cop any more, I've finally realized I'd still have the same husband.  Sure, maybe he wouldn't have permission to carry off duty any more like he does 24/7 now (he'd be permanently off duty!), he'd still have the same personality and heightened awareness of life.  So if I'm not back too often, please don't take it personally.  It's me, not you.

Love,
Handcuffed Heart

Control What You Can

We've spent the first seven weeks of 2012 being enmeshed in a crazy new schedule with crazy new stress at my husband's department. Our computer has been at the computer hospital for a few weeks so I have been relegated to "connecting" via my smart phone. "Relegated"? Since when did society become so entitled? But I digress...

I've been through the whole shift change thing enough times to know that you just have to let it happen to you. You can't force it, you can't make it be something it is not or something you are not. You just have to go with the flow. I'm not like that. I like a plan. I can go with the flow when there is a plan in place. (Don't you roll your eyes at me!) So in the first seven weeks of being back to graves after almost three years off and major, huge stress at work for my husband, I'm getting my butt kicked.

In the eight years of our marriage, I have never once sat down for three hours straight and "discussed" my husband's job with him. Sure, I hear plenty of stories every day, but I don't get three hours of straight entertainment. And it's happening regularly now. The stress and frustration and irritation are oozing out of him and pouring over the rest of us at home. He's trying to not let it, but... it happens.

With all this background (and does anyone even remember I'm still busy building lungs, bones, and vital organs?!?!), it should come as no surprise that we had a day of "intense fellowship" this weekend. He was angry. I was hurt. I got angry. And it never got resolved. Some of it just can't be resolved right now. There is all this crap, serious C-R-A-P floating around in our lives and it seems so overwhelming.

Now that I'm at this point, I don't care anymore. As my friends keep badgering me -- in the nicest way possible, I'm sure -- "When are you going to buy a bigger car? When are you going to move from your 700 sq ft house to a bigger house since you're going to have four kids?" I've hit on, "I don't care any more." Of course I care, but I'm beyond worrying about it. The most amazing revelation someone once gave me was that YOU cannot make ME feel anything I don't want to feel. You can't make me feel dumpy, sloppy, stupid, or ugly, unless I give you permission. In all of this, I WILL CONTROL WHAT I CAN. I can control how I respond. And that's about it.

Every situation, and every dilemma I encounter, presents me with a choice. Will I get my panties in a bunch and freak out, or will I put on my big girl boots with a good attitude? Talk to a friend who has no job. No food in the cupboards. An eight-year battle with ovarian cancer. My choice to do the best with what I have and not throw a temper tantrum seems much more clear cut.

Of course this weekend I absolutely did not follow this advice, and what a waste of time and energy that was.

realization: church

The best piece of advice I received a few years back was from the wife of a sergeant nearing retirement (in fact, he's now retired). She told me [paraphrased], "You can't do everything. You have to give yourself permission to smile and say 'no.' Most people will not understand what it's like to have a husband in law enforcement and what that does to you and your family. You build your own hedges around yourself and your family and to heck with everyone else." Actually she was probably even more mild than that (that's who she is) but it really stuck with me.

It sounds lame, even now, as I've written it here. Of course! Set your own boundaries. Be good to your family. But I feel that in law enforcement our boundaries can be so different from everyone else's -- and for reasons which are more or less incomprehensible to those around us.

http://www.cumberlandchurch.com/

I'm still in the mode where I feel like I do everything by myself -- not just social events, but the entire life of our family. I won't list everything out because it will be bad for my psyche, but one thing I've really been struggling with lately is church. No, I'm not going to get all religious on you, just work with me here and know that we go to church -- more often than not -- on Sunday mornings.

When I say "we" I mean myself and the kids; husband is either working or sleeping on Sunday mornings. We've been going to this nearby teeny tiny church started by our friends but it's such an effort. There's nothing restorative or regenerative or inspirational about Sunday morning for me with three kids in tow there. It's a chore, and certainly not a joy, to participate in Sunday morning. For the last two Sundays, however, we've visited a church I attended years and years ago when I was very single and very childless. It's grown and changed in all these years, but some of the same dear people are there, as well as some "new" dear people our family knows now, too.

The guilt is, I've enjoyed being there these last two weeks. It's all the things I haven't had at the teeny tiny church. But it's 20 minutes away as opposed to 10 minutes. I'll be leaving behind friends who I'm sure will be crushed at the teeny-tiny church. And I can't decide if I'm being selfish to just "church-jump" this way or if my family really will benefit from being at this other church more permanently. The clincher for me is that my husband might actually -- gasp -- go to church with us at this new place. That would seal the deal for me if we could all worship together.

I'm dialing this in to the "married single mom police wife life." If I wasn't as dry as the Sahara Desert I wouldn't be craving a sort of restorative Sunday morning like I am. But, here I am. It's how we roll at HHPD these days. And as a LEO wife, I'm not expecting anyone else to understand, or agree, but I think I'll be jumping ship to this new church shortly. And I'm sad. Again.

Spring Thaw

Life is swirling at an unbelievable rate these days, and I cannot keep up. 

I thought that with this shift rotation everything would be "great."  Husband is working a modified day schedule (starting in the late morning) and I thought it was close enough to the type of schedule that "regular" people work that it would be great for our family.  In a way, it has been great.  But there are other things, like interpersonal stuff, in our marriage that I thought would be helped by this schedule too. 

Is it no surprise they aren't? 

People say that with kids, it's not about (fancy) "quality" time but quantity.  I guess I thought our marriage would benefit from time together at the "right" time of day (i.e. when I am awake and husband is home and not working).  :)  I don't think it's worked out like that.  It's almost been worse, like there is the expectation that it would be better but it's not so therefore it's worse.  So maybe it's no surprise that I haven't posted for over a month.  School and life has been kicking my butt and I've been so discouraged.  (And I've gotten addicted to Words With Friends.  Oops)

So now, of course, I'm posting because I have good news.  Because I cannot stand to be the bearer of bad news, Debbie Downer.  We're on vacation!  Forever!  Just kidding.  It's not forever but it feels like it.  :)  I'm realizing that I do actually like this person I married (just in case I had forgotten.... which I somewhat had, let's be honest) and I don't remember laughing as much as we have been.  Along with lots of other things, that's the thing that will stand out the most about this spring thaw: the laughing. 

I've said it for a while and this vacation is proving it.  We don't have any big plans to go anywhere, and I think that's good.  Everyone needs to chill out and "thaw" once in a while and for those in law enforcement it's even more important.  I'm thankful, so very thankful, for this thaw and praying for some great progress in so many areas of our marriage and family. 

How about you?  How do you thaw out from life on a regular basis?

Say it with me now: "I love my life"

Yes, blog friends, say it with me now: "I love my life.  I love my life.  I love my life."

Maybe if I say it enough, type it enough, see it in print.... I'll believe it.  I'll get to that in a minute.  But first, the "No Spend November" update, as BunnyO was asking about in the comments.  It's been.... OK.  I guess I really should have called it "No Frivolous Spend November" because I'm certainly still spending money but it's more on things that are not frivolous and necessary.  So considering I'd want to call it that, I guess it's more just a major cutting back than not spending.  Again, I'm pleased with my efforts to MINDFULLY spend money instead of  seeing something and tossing it in my cart because I can.  I definitely have had days where I haven't spent anything.  I've been trying to be more creative with what's in my pantry, and making do with what I have instead of automatically running to the store to buy something.  It's been good.  But I sure have a long way to go.

Now, I realize that there hasn't been a lot of police activity here lately.  I'm really worn out about caring about all that stuff.  I realized last night that I've shrugged off the label of "police officer" and "police wife" and am focusing more on the crap that is the fallout of the job that my husband has and the shift that takes him way from our home.  The bumper sticker that goes something like this came to mind: "If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention."  That's how I feel about The Job right now.  I'm not paying attention.  Just getting through the day.  So, I'm not outraged.  I can't remember the last time I asked about what happened on shift.  I don't care any more.  If he has some interesting case or some crazy thing that happened I'm happy to listen and ask questions, but otherwise.... whatever.

I think this stems from being stretched pretty thin with schooling, three small kids, illnesses, and my own work that needs to get done.  We were recently together with some relatives and, as all well-behaved adults do, traded a few jabs about our lives.  I can't exactly remember how it started, but of course I'm sure that the HUSBAND did started it.  (yeah right)  lol.  Anyway eventually it degraded to something like this:

me: "Ok, go on home, I'll send the kids with you and I'll stay here"
DH: "Alrighty, good luck getting home then!"
me: "Who said I wanted to go home? It sure would be nice to have a little break!"
DH: [open-mouthed incredulity and death stare]
me: "I know it's really hard on you to be working so much but it's hard for me too"
DH: "At least you work with people you love.  I work with people I can't stand and they aggravate me to no end."
me: "I won't argue that point."

It made it clearer to me that, as I have always suspected, he thinks I have some cushy, easy job sitting around in a bed of roses with all my responsibilities at home.  So last night after the kids were in bed, I said "See ya, I'm going to Target."  He wanted to go instead.  He said "You always get to go and do fun things like that with the kids."  uh, EXCUSE ME??!?  I never get to go out at 9:30 at night while you are at work.  I rarely get to go anywhere BY MYSELF.  I rarely get a quick trip to where ever I want, taking the time I want, to look at whatever I want.  Excuse me?!?!?  I tried to get him to see that taking three kids all over town to do errands is not fun.  One errand, maybe, but your whole life??  He tried to argue with me.  "But I had so much fun with them at the grocery store tonight!"  Yeah, when you are at the store with no real purpose or need to get a huge list of things done, I could see how that is fun.

Me: "Was it fun when Dallas started screaming?"
DH: "Well no.... but after he got picked up he was ok!"
Me: "And then did you go through the checkout line and pay for the groceries while you were carrying him?"
DH: "Well, no, but I didn't even try" [because *I* was paying and caring for the two older kids]
Me: "I would be happy to let you take all three kids to the store and...."
DH: "Nevermind, nevermind, just go, get out of here, go to Target." [wah, wah, wah]

So it's pretty clear to me that the husband has a romanticized idea of what my life is like.  He swears he doesn't, and usually he is pretty good truly understanding.  But.... right now, I think he's hating his job so much that his vision is clouded.  I recommend getting a new job.  We'll see if he ever gets motivation to do that.

Cliff Talk

Today Motorcop posted about two motors officers out in his neck of the woods who were in two different crashes; one in Concord and one in Fremont.  If you are the praying kind, please say some prayers for each of them and their families.

As I read about Officer Brower in Fremont, I was angry.  What idiot decides to run down a cop who isn't even.... well, don't get me started.  That's just rhetorical.  We all know what kind of idiot does that.  So, as usual, I started projecting.

I started thinking about this man and his family.  His wife.  His three sons.  What it would be like to come back from an injury like that.  I'm not just talking about the physical recovery.  I'm also wondering what kind of emotional recovery goes along with it. 

My husband has always been a 'tough guy.'  Not a 'tough guy' in a pig-headed way, but a 'tough guy' in the very best sense of the word.  The kind of guy who would follow you home to make sure you got in safely, just because it is the right thing to do.  He's a little quick to judge other guys who are -- let's say it -- pansies.  The ones who leave the women and children to burn and race off to save themselves.  (That is definitely pansy.)  Anyway, I worry about my man.  All of our officers.  They are trained to be tough, and hard, and invincible.  They aren't (as we all know) but if they think they are ~ that's half the battle to winning with a sketchy suspect. 

So what happens when that invincibility is put to the test, and our officer comes out on the bottom?  Would my husband return to his previously invincible-feeling self?  Or would he not be quite as invincible feeling?  Would he question his ability to do his job?  And would he hate himself for it?

Then I realized, I am just borrowing trouble.  I had to talk myself 'back from the cliff' as I like to say.  I have to put away all the crazy talk and get outside of myself to speak rationally to myself.  This time, I came at it from the slant of worrying.  How many hundreds of sayings are there about worrying?  All of them saying something to the effect that we should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.   Each day has enough trouble for itself.  When (I'd sure prefer to say IF!) my husband experiences some difficulty in his job which changes his outlook or injures him, that will be a different bridge to cross.  And we'll be able to cross it without much worry, for it will be a day of it's own, with it's own worry.

What's your favorite "don't borrow trouble" saying?

Spring Cleaning

Anyone else getting a little overwhelmed with the posts about spring cleaning and decluttering and feeling so great about your beautiful space in which you live?  ugh!  One or two of the posts would be great, and motivational, but I've about had it.

I think spring cleaning and decluttering are awesome.  Admirable.  Wonderful ways to simplify your life.  But in the midst of an already overwhelmed life, a tiny apartment, five people to care for, and nowhere to put the stuff I'm spring cleaning, this is absolutely making me crazy.

But I am tired of it, you know?  I'm tired of the clutter.  I'm tired of feeling like my day is ruined from the moment I wake up because there is so much crap everywhere.  I hate crap.  I also hate all the stuff that is weighing me down.  So, I decided to do something about it.  Tonight, as I was making breakfast for dinner and the spatula started falling off the counter because there was NO PLACE TO PUT IT, I "spring cleaned" one of the kitchen counters.  You can do what I did in five minutes, just like me!  :)  My one kitchen counter started out like this:

See, there's that pesky spatula I was using to flip the pancakes for dinner.  Between flips, it quickly came to look like this:

And you can do it too.  It's easy.  Just do this:

I put away a few things as I went along but mostly it all got tossed into the bag.  I'm going to quickly -- QUICKLY -- go through it and bless someone else with it, toss it, or hmm.... keep it?  That sounds totally unappealing.  :O

So what's your secret spring cleaning weapon??

You know there's drama when...

All I will say is, how do you think I deal with my stress?  I'll give you a hint.  I'm the proud owner of a (half eaten) half-pound gourmet brownie and three cartons of ice cream.  Yeah, yeah, I know... I fell for the "buy three get $3 off" trick.  It sounded so cheap and like such a good idea at the time.  Why will my stomach and waist never, ever, ever thank me for saving that kind of money??  Thankfully they are not all half gallons.  Or is that 1.25 gallons these days?  Whatever.  (The two pints: Starbucks Java chip, Ben&Jerry's Cookies & Milk)

So, in answer to my own question: You know there's drama when this mama stocks the junk food pile.  sigh.

Thankful Thursday

It's been a while since I've done a "Thankful Thursday." I'm having difficulties being positive these days, but I was really encouraged by Mrs. Fuzz who recently mentioned that there is enough negative out in the world; even though it may be "hard times" in life, who needs more negative? However, I have to dwell on what I don't have for a minute so that I can consciously be grateful for what I do have and seek intervention for changing up my lists. Here we go:

Sleep. I'm seriously lacking in the sleep department.

Patience. I'm also lacking in this department.

Cleanliness. (home cleanliness, that is) Lacking. Along with:

Sanity.

Support.

Contentment.

Insight and wisdom to see "here" from "there."

Communication.

Not lacking:
Money.

Job.

Family.

Home.

Food.

Hot water.

Lord, please help me shorten my lacking list and lengthen my not lacking list. Amen.

This is the only place it's quiet!

I know I have been quiet here recently.

Let me tell you, this is the only place it's been quiet. I mentioned we had H1N1 at our house (except for me) and now we have some other mystery something going around. We have approximately 140 square feet per person in this place and nowhere to put anything. (Does that makes sense?) I'm desperately afraid that in my quest to minimize I'm throwing out something I'd desperately want back at some point. (Happened when we got married, whoops.)

The "noisiest" thing (other than three squawking children and all the hullabaloo I mentioned in the previous paragraph) going on is that I'm kind of feeling purposeless and "mission-less". That makes a lot of noise and confusion in my head. I feel like I have my nose to the grindstone washing laundry, washing dishes (although I have hardly been cooking lately so I don't have any idea where the freaking dishes come from!), wiping noses and behinds and if I lift my head up too far then I will have to actually think about what my purpose is. I know, I know, you're going to recommend The Purpose Driven Life by Warren (or whoever that guy is) to me or something but that's not quite what I'm talking about. I feel like I am siting outside my own body watching myself engage in life and I am completely disengaged. I'm sure this is making no sense. It hardly makes any sense to me, which is why I'm trying to type through the confusion at the moment. I was pleading for a nanny the other day and a wise-cracking older friend told me to look in the mirror. It gave me a good chuckle but I had to honestly say -- I don't know who that is that is looking back at me in the mirror any more.... Oh! It must be the nanny then!!

I use the excuse that I'm a single wife of a LEO so I don't have time to [x, y, z]... but I wonder... when the kids are (more) grown, the J-O-B has died down, and I have my "self" back, what then? Will I make it until then?

So, ladies, what are you doing to take care of yourself NOW? Let me learn from you!!

Anyone notice....

...how "Thankful Thursday" really doesn't work for me?!?! I haven't posted ONCE on a thursday about my thankfulness. :( boohiss. I'm contemplating changing it to another day which will totally NOT have a nice ring to it or keeping it Thankful Thursday and posting whenever the heck I feel like it so that.... um... so that I can be thankful for the freedom and flexibility I've given myself (which is usually nonexistent). We'll see.

I feel like The Man at DH's dept is really socking it to the pee-ons. I'm not exactly sure how you spell "pee-on" but for today, spelling it this way makes sense. As in, The Man is peeing on all the people below Him, making them pee-ons. Ok, ok, I digress. Who is The Man you ask? I'm not really sure. It seems like it is always someone different. Or it's a conspiracy. Who knows. It's everyone who has drunk the departmental kool-aid and is going with the flow to screw over everyone -- although of course in truth I hear the most about how it's happening to DH and the other officers.

This has been making home life miserable for me. What other things can I complain about? The list is long. I kind of feel like, having read several other police wife blogs lately, that I don't even need to enumerate the ways I could complain because you all already know. :) So instead I will go with my....

THANKFUL THURSDAY topic. I am thankful that:

• My children are now 5, 3, and 4.5 months.
  
• I watched video of my two olders from about 15 months ago. Dallas didn't exist..... Charlotte was wearing diapers, Austin had a squeaky voice (not that it's dropped all that low or anything!), and I was so kind to them. (It must have been that I knew I was being taped for all eternity.) All three of these things seemed so significant!! I almost cried. Life was so different then. No matter how much I hate a lot about my life at this exact moment, looking at that video was precious, precious, precious. It reminded me that we all start out like this and we are ruined in one way or another. NO, I do not think we are innately good. Have a baby who cries for no stinking reason (I have one of those!!) and you will know this is not true. I have not taught either Austin or Charlotte to be selfish, mean, and rude, and yet somehow this comes out of their little selves. Every one of those criminals DH deals with started out like this. Precious, sweet, trusting... and pretty quickly or somewhere along the line or who knows when, something went horribly wrong for them and their lives. Each one of them has a mom, dad, brother, sister, or someone out there that holds some memory of their precious sweetness. I can think of a perfect, publicized example but I can't bring myself to mention it. Anyway! In watching this one, three minute video I am grateful for the reminder of the innocence of my children and the renewed desire to protect that in them and not be the reason for it's demise.
• Bible study has started back up again. We are studying the book of Genesis and right from the beginning I am getting walloped with marriage, the meaning of life, and all sorts of things that I have wanted to go my own way on recently. Thankful for the compass to be renewed and set on course.
• And to finish on a lighter note... I'm thankful that DH's football team won today (but not mine!!)
  

That's all for now. Time for resting my weariness!

thanks :)

I want to quickly say thank you for the thoughtful comments regarding how to "keep it all together" in the family. :) Intellectually I know I am not the only one, but it really was nice readi1ng through those comments and seeing how some of you attack the whole "opposite schedule" thing.

We didn't necessarily "kiss and make up" over our spat from the other day, but we did get to discuss it a bit. That's progress, I suppose. I'm still frustrated, because I think "The Job" is taking a large emotional toll on my man and that really makes me mad. Some of it is politics, some of it is the stress of the actual job, and who knows what-all-else. I'm a "fixer" and this is one thing I can't really fix. So... what to do???

For one thing, this blog will be on vacation for a bit. I think I mentioned my mom and brother had surgery within a day of each other a few weeks back. I'm heading there tomorrow with the three kidlets (it will be Dallas' first flight!!) and will be helping out -- or at least distracting them -- for a while. Given that my mom's husband is headi1ng back to work and my brother's wife is heading out of town, it's good timing. Not only that, but they have both, within the last week, been in and out of the hospital with complications. I don't know what drug I am on to think that I will have the time while being away from hubs to get perspective on the family and maybe come up with some "solutions" to try when we get back. I put "solutions" in quotes because I'm sure that's NOT what they will be -- maybe I should use the word "options" instead. I think it's going to be insane but I'm really looking forward to a little change of scenery before school starts.

If something uber exciting comes up, I'll let you know. Otherwise I'll see you in a few weeks. Speaking of school starting up, I've heard that a good number of "first responder families" homeschool their kids because it works out much better family-schedule-wise with shift work. Any of you out there homeschool, or is it "traditional" school for your family?