Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Say it with me now: "I love my life"

Yes, blog friends, say it with me now: "I love my life.  I love my life.  I love my life."

Maybe if I say it enough, type it enough, see it in print.... I'll believe it.  I'll get to that in a minute.  But first, the "No Spend November" update, as BunnyO was asking about in the comments.  It's been.... OK.  I guess I really should have called it "No Frivolous Spend November" because I'm certainly still spending money but it's more on things that are not frivolous and necessary.  So considering I'd want to call it that, I guess it's more just a major cutting back than not spending.  Again, I'm pleased with my efforts to MINDFULLY spend money instead of  seeing something and tossing it in my cart because I can.  I definitely have had days where I haven't spent anything.  I've been trying to be more creative with what's in my pantry, and making do with what I have instead of automatically running to the store to buy something.  It's been good.  But I sure have a long way to go.

Now, I realize that there hasn't been a lot of police activity here lately.  I'm really worn out about caring about all that stuff.  I realized last night that I've shrugged off the label of "police officer" and "police wife" and am focusing more on the crap that is the fallout of the job that my husband has and the shift that takes him way from our home.  The bumper sticker that goes something like this came to mind: "If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention."  That's how I feel about The Job right now.  I'm not paying attention.  Just getting through the day.  So, I'm not outraged.  I can't remember the last time I asked about what happened on shift.  I don't care any more.  If he has some interesting case or some crazy thing that happened I'm happy to listen and ask questions, but otherwise.... whatever.

I think this stems from being stretched pretty thin with schooling, three small kids, illnesses, and my own work that needs to get done.  We were recently together with some relatives and, as all well-behaved adults do, traded a few jabs about our lives.  I can't exactly remember how it started, but of course I'm sure that the HUSBAND did started it.  (yeah right)  lol.  Anyway eventually it degraded to something like this:

me: "Ok, go on home, I'll send the kids with you and I'll stay here"
DH: "Alrighty, good luck getting home then!"
me: "Who said I wanted to go home? It sure would be nice to have a little break!"
DH: [open-mouthed incredulity and death stare]
me: "I know it's really hard on you to be working so much but it's hard for me too"
DH: "At least you work with people you love.  I work with people I can't stand and they aggravate me to no end."
me: "I won't argue that point."

It made it clearer to me that, as I have always suspected, he thinks I have some cushy, easy job sitting around in a bed of roses with all my responsibilities at home.  So last night after the kids were in bed, I said "See ya, I'm going to Target."  He wanted to go instead.  He said "You always get to go and do fun things like that with the kids."  uh, EXCUSE ME??!?  I never get to go out at 9:30 at night while you are at work.  I rarely get to go anywhere BY MYSELF.  I rarely get a quick trip to where ever I want, taking the time I want, to look at whatever I want.  Excuse me?!?!?  I tried to get him to see that taking three kids all over town to do errands is not fun.  One errand, maybe, but your whole life??  He tried to argue with me.  "But I had so much fun with them at the grocery store tonight!"  Yeah, when you are at the store with no real purpose or need to get a huge list of things done, I could see how that is fun.

Me: "Was it fun when Dallas started screaming?"
DH: "Well no.... but after he got picked up he was ok!"
Me: "And then did you go through the checkout line and pay for the groceries while you were carrying him?"
DH: "Well, no, but I didn't even try" [because *I* was paying and caring for the two older kids]
Me: "I would be happy to let you take all three kids to the store and...."
DH: "Nevermind, nevermind, just go, get out of here, go to Target." [wah, wah, wah]

So it's pretty clear to me that the husband has a romanticized idea of what my life is like.  He swears he doesn't, and usually he is pretty good truly understanding.  But.... right now, I think he's hating his job so much that his vision is clouded.  I recommend getting a new job.  We'll see if he ever gets motivation to do that.


Meadowlark said...

Oh chicklet, I feel for you. You're mired deep in the "WTF was I thinking, getting married, having kids and being with a cop" days. :(

It's such a learning process. They're overwhelmed, their job sucks, they are so in control at work so they come home and expect the same thing (without realizing it). They have NO IDEA that stuff like "want me to help you unload the dishwasher?" translates at "well, it's YOUR job, but look at what a big-boy helper I am". No asstard, I want you to simply unload it because it needs done and you're helping YOURSELF, not me.

OK... obviously, I've been in the same trenches. Communicate, pray, vent to us, but be very careful because this wedge can drive apart the happiest lives.

If you need "the book" (love a cop) I can send a copy... it wasn't that relevant to us because we were already married 12 years when he became a LEO, but I know it's been helpful to a lot of people.

Stay in touch.

KD said...

@Meadowlark ~ Thank you, thank you for your comment. I spent most of the day repeating to myself "asstard" and giggling like a young happy girl. :) Thank you.

You're right about it all. The wedge, the responsibility to not just watch it go by... sigh. I have that book, actually, and I should probably get it out and read through it again. thanks! :D

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. Somehow I got to the grocery store all by myself. At the checkout, the lady wished me "Happy MOthers' Day". I asked if I could stay with her all day. It was heavenly to be there without three kids, a long list and several more stops on the way home. Looking back, what kind of mother's day was it that I was running to the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, getting ready for a big dinner with the inlaws?????

KD said...

@Steadfast ~ You're so right. We make choices in the moment and only later can look back and really see more of the "truth" of the situation.

BunnyO said...

I love Meadowlark. "Asstard". Jesus.. well anyway, this whole post was me not too many years back. I think I just wanted him to "get it".. but that's the problem. They DON'T just "get it". The hours suck, the single mom-ness caused by the profession sucks, the pay sucks, the risk sucks and the lonliness SUCKS big time. Men don't take hints, they need a frying pan to the head. I would sit him down and tell him that you aren't opening up a competition, but that you really need him to hear you. Then remind him you serve as wife, mother, laundress, maidservant, chef, concierge, financial manager, scheduler and psychologist.. oh and queen butt-wiper. Tell him how much you feel like a single mom and how much you feel alone. Just like there are aspects of their crappy job we will never understand, they don't get OUR job either! You will feel better, but like Meadowlark said, be so careful not to let resentment take over. We never plan to wake up hating each other.. it happens by not stopping to say "Hey Asstard.."