There's been lots on my mind lately. In order to get it cleaned out a bit, I am sharing some random bits with you ~ you'll be rewarded because I'm saving the best for last on this post!
I'm sipping a Mission St. Blonde Ale right now. LOVIN' IT! :)
Along with my Blonde Ale, I'm shopping for diapers at diapers.com. I see that diapers.com has begun selling their own brand of diapers. I'm trying to decide if I should order them for Dallas, and what size. I'm reading the reviews and holy hot dogs!!! I can't believe how many people are passionate about the designs on the diapers their kids wear and when/if the designs show through their clothes. Here's a NEWSFLASH, moms and dads! We all know that your precious bundle is wearing a diaper, whether or not we can see the designs. I love diapers.com for their customer service, amazingly fast, free shipping (free on orders over $49), AND my boxes of goodies are lugged to my front door by someone else! (BTW if I have convinced you to order from diapers.com ~ use my email address on your first order for $10 off! firstname.lastname@example.org)
If you're a mom, you know what it means to work hard when you have young kids ~ even if that "work" doesn't bring about anything particularly tangible at the end of the day. If you're a LEO wife with kids (especially those small ones!), not only are you working hard as a mom, you are also working long, odd hours "alone," and that's just the tip of the iceberg for us. For a while now -- actually, since Dallas was born 10 months ago -- I've watched myself get more and more frustrated, "stressed out" (whatever that means), and the biggest, visible change: I'm angry. I have a short fuse. I want my kids to behave, obey, and I want them to do it right away. Sometimes unreasonably so. While obedience is an important trait to groom in children (for it's far reaching effects in many other ways), being unreasonable about expecting their obedience is not helpful. This is not atypical for police parents -- you work all day expecting people to give you what you want, when you want, and comply PERIOD -- so this expectation trickles down to home life as well. I'm not the police parent in our family, but I've definitely been creeping towards the unreasonable end of the spectrum over the last 10 months. I don't remember EVER yelling this much in my entire life, if ever. (I'm the one always telling my husband to pipe down when we're arguing. I don't "do" yelling during fights!) Quite simply, I do not like who I have become as a mom of three.
I've really been struggling with this lately. I miss my old life. I miss being single, wearing my cute, small(er) sized clothes and shoes, working at a job that has a tangible product produced at the end of the day... I miss going to bed and waking up whenever I feel like it. I miss hanging out with my friends and going to fancy restaurants without a bunch of hullabaloo of schedule coordinating and babysitter arrangements. And when I think about how much I dislike who I have become, I miss all these things even more. Then I remember that it wasn't all a bed of roses back then, either!
So what's a girl to do?? While I miss my old life, it doesn't mean I necessarily dislike my current life. My life is challenging now, but they are different challenges than those I experienced "PK" (pre-kids). I'm being required to grow and change and stretch in ways I never was PK. I have three adorable children who worship and love me (yes, I know this will change soon enough).
So I've decided I want to drink the Kool-Aid. I want to be a "yes" woman. What am I talking about, you ask?? The longer my husband is at his department the more officers he sees promote and "drink the Kool-Aid." They become "yes" men (or women) and the things that they formerly railed against, they begin siding with the brass on. What's wrong with me doing the same? Every time my child asks for something, I want to say "yes." I'm slowing relegating Mean Momma to the netherworld and saying YES. Don't misunderstand: I will still be one of the strictest mommas I know; I have my limits. I have boundaries, expectations, and hopefully patience. Being a YES woman is a state of mind. Stuck in line at Costco (like tonight)? It sure went a lot faster because I was playing with and chatting with the three kids and not so incredibly angry (like I wanted to be!) that the checker was incompetent, slow, and chatty with his coworkers. The kids want to eat breakfast in bed? Ok, YES, we will pick ONE DAY this week when you can do that ~ we will plan the (non-messy) menu and look forward to it all week. Everyone's happy! I said yes but I have my limits. :)
I don't want these precious, precious years with my little ones to slip by while I'm mired in anger, impatience, and totally depressed about my "horrible" life. I want to treasure what I have, while I have it. I hope you will join me and say "YES" with me.
3 hours ago